It was 7pm on a Wednesday night, and I was all on my lonesome. Out the window I could see cars moseying by, and people shuffling down the road. To my left was a large mirror from which I saw my own reflection looking back at me: a disgruntled mess in her pajamas, sitting on a frumpy little bed. The scene was uneventful, and in that moment I knew that a binge -a guilty binge- was around the corner.
The season finale for "The Bachelor" had aired last week, so it was basically already waiting for me on Hulu. How much harm could 13 episodes of a dating show do to me? Plenty.
Caution: don't try this at home. But for the daredevils among you, I've summed up the 13 stages of watching an entire season of "The Bachelor" on your own.
1. You’re five seconds in and judgment starts flying all over the place.
I like her dress. I like her teeth. She looks like she knows how to make pot roast. I like pot roast.
2. Each first impression has you over analyzing like crazy, and you pretend to know things.
He gasped when she stepped out of that limo. She’s wifey, I can feel it. See that smile? Oh yeah. It's getting real.
3. The first kiss takes place, and you decide for sure that this girl is the one.
She has to be. She was the first kiss. Look how cute they are. This is magical. Show’s over, send the rest home.
4. The second kiss grosses you out.
BUT HE JUST KISSED THE OTHER GIRL. Hey Bucko, don’t go playing tonsil hockey unless you plan on keeping the girl around.
5. The third kiss makes you question why on earth you’re still sitting around watching this rubbish.
This is not good TV. This is bad TV. The only reason this is on TV is because of people like me who watch bad TV. I am the reason for the demise of television.
6. You turn the TV off, and go back to your duties.
Who cares what happens next? It doesn’t affect my life at all. I don’t know these girls.
7. The TV is back on.
I care. This has become my life. These girls are all I have.
8. You grow attached, and start to pick favorites.
This girl is good for him. She gave him her undivided attention and cared for him when he needed someone. Unlike that other girl who wouldn't stop rambling about her cankles.
9. ... And you weep bitter tears as you watch them leave the show.
SHE TRUSTED YOU. I TRUSTED YOU.
10. You fight the brave fight against that eye twitch you developed four episodes ago.
My body is failing me. What is that, natural light? Get it away. I have to know who he proposes to. I am shutting down, one organ at a time. Surely he will propose to one of them, right?? I can't stay awake. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
11. The moment you've been waiting for FINALLY comes around: The Proposal. Or the complete lack thereof.
*crickets*
12 estrogen-charged episodes drained you of any energy you were saving for the season finale, AKA the actual reason you watched each and every waking moment of the show.
12. It's finally over. And you realize you never really cared.
Let me fill you in. It is now Friday morning, and you haven't eaten or spoken to anyone in nearly two days. That's what just happened.
13. You think you're returning to your life without any after effects, but the drama gets in your head. It leaves you questioning everything and everyone.
She acts one way when she's around him but then a completely different way when it's just her and the camera. Wait. Hang on. This is just for ratings, right? IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? IS THIS JUST BAD TV?
