On Monday, January 4, 2016, I begrudgingly stared at my phone. It has been silent for too long. My hotline has not been ringing nor has it been blinging.

I am single; this is my reality. But I have faith, for there are shows that continue to capitalize on my hopeless romantic ideals of love and make me think, "maybe one day." One of these shows is "The Bachelor." Constantly trying to out dramatize itself every season, I am sure this season will be THE MOST dramatic, and have TWISTS and TURNS no one will ever expect. The tone of the season is always set by the premiere. And the first night of the new season did not disappoint. Here are 67 thoughts I had as I watched the season premiere of "The Bachelor."

1. BEN!! OMG BEN
2. All these girls are in love with Ben...but I’m more in love.
3. So many tears already. These girls haven’t even had a drop of alcohol.
4. That was too much emotion for only the intro.
5. Men look good in suits. Ben wears that suit better than I wear my own skin.
6. Ben’s 26? I’m almost 21. Age is just a number.
7. You have a basketball on your barn? Ok, Ben. Be more perfect.
8. Young Ben and Zac Efron circa High School Musical are definitely twins.
9. “I’m afraid I’m unlovable.” Me too, Ben. Me too.
10. His parents are literally relationship goals.
11. Oh, hey, former Bachelors…?
12. Do guys actually strategize and talk about feelings like this?
13. I wish they would give me dating advice.
14. Oh, please. It does not suck to send a girl home. You better be happy you get some of those crazies out of there.
15. Past Bachelor Chris is still single? At long last, I have hope.
16. Chris Harrison for Bachelor 2k17.
17. Cue the montage of all these pretty girls who aren’t good enough for Ben.
18. That girl from Boston seems normal.
19. Wait, you broke up with your boyfriend because you fell in love with someone on TV? Never mind.
20. My money is on the girl from the military. You don’t mess with a man from the military, but you NEVER mess with a woman from the military.
21. Yea. That dentist girl is definitely from Portland. Didn’t even have to stand in front of the sign ‘Keep Portland Weird’ for me to know where that was going.
22. TWINS?
23. The twins are aliens. They have to be.
24. Is it a requirement to be a contestant on this show that you need to live near the beach?
25. Is chicken enthusiast even a job?
26. “What comes first the chicken or the Ben,” Hun, if you need to ask that question there’s something wrong.
27. First limo. Excuse me while I reevaluate my beauty standards.
28. The flight attendant brought him wings?! Precious. She can stay.
29. All these girls’ dresses are on fleek.
30. Your name is Lace? Was your mother obsessed with fabrics?
31. I bet she has a sister named Chiffon or something.
32. How dare Lace steal that first kiss.
33. Note to girl who stalks Ben on social media: Maybe you should have told him your name? You know, so he can file that restraining order.
34. A unicorn mask? That’s a new level of desperation
35. No flowers were pollinated in the making of this episode. In any way. At all. Ew.
36. “That’s a pretty bold move,” is the understatement of the season.
37. So the twins aren’t a package deal?
38. How’d you get that tiny horse there?
39. Is the horse a contestant?
40. So the girl and the horse are a package deal. Glad that question was answered.
41. These jobs they’re listing. Nutritional therapist? Oh, yea, I go to her right after my foot psychologist.
42. “A horse, a bachelor and a unicorn walk into a house,” Oh, Chris Harrison, you slay me.
43. The dentist isn’t going to really give him an oral exam, is she? Do you know how vile that sounds if you have a dirty mind?
44. Olivia is slaying the first impression game.
45. Wow. Software sales. So sexy.
46. I’m sorry. I can’t understand the whole twin thing. I would never want my sister to date the same guy as me, AT THE SAME TIME.
47. Well, he is dating 25 girls.
48. JK, 27 girls because Becca and Amber are back (Chris’ season).
49. How do you click with someone on TV? The only thing you should be clicking is the remote.
50. Lace for intoxicated Bachelorette 2k16.
51. Ben, don’t you dare kiss that girl…again…willingly.
52. Ben wants to get to know these girls! How refreshing, a man who wants to operate on as close a normal level as you can on this show.
53. Lace thinks she’s getting a rose tonight, just in case you haven’t heard her for the past hour.
54. The first impression rose is in the room, people this is not a drill.
55. Cue montage of girls freaking out about the first impression rose.
56. Wait, does the bachelor even drink on this show? I haven’t seen Ben drink once.
57. Along with getting to know her, you also get to see the drunk side of you soulmate.
58. Olivia! Winner of the first impression rose! May you be the envy of America and the villain of the season!
59. 27 mildly or way-more-than-mildly intoxicated women stand in a room with not enough roses for all of them. What could go wrong?
60. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again: the story of Amber and Becca.
61. Lace no one could forget you, please.
62. When they cut to commercial before Ben gives out the last rose. #clifhanger
63. Lace? LACE?!
64. Pretty sure Ben forgot the other girls names and just couldn’t forget Lace.
65. Ladies, you will find love. Apply for the bachelorette. I’m filling my application out now.
66. Lace, you got a rose. Please just drink your goddamn champagne.
67. “I bet you this will be the most dramatic one yet,” – said every woman who watches this show.