If you are one of the people unfortunate enough to have had to endure the heart-wrenching pain of losing a friend, you know how hard it is to live, day by day, knowing that this person is gone forever. You know hard it is to know that they are no longer with us, to know they were robbed of the life they deserved. If you are one of the people unfortunate enough to be going through this; you are also one of the people fortunate enough to have gotten to know someone too incredible for their numbered days. For that, we are lucky.
During the second semester of my freshman year of college, I was at a school meeting when I received the text that has the power to change your typical, ordinary day into a shattered abyss of heartbreak. I checked my phone in a roomful of peers to find 13 missed calls and 53 unread text messages, all to tell me that my friend from high school, Caitlin Elizabeth Clancy, had passed away. Knees buckled, tears streaming, and stomach turned, my entire body trembled. I had never experienced this kind of sadness; the kind where you literally lose sense of where you are and what’s going on around you, a blacked out state of complete shock and utter disbelief. Thus begins the endless process of grief and a lifelong battle of coping.
The Initial Shock
Breathe. Constantly take deep breaths and try to relax. After losing Caitlin, I was in a catatonic state of mind. I was numb and heartbroken, feeling absolutely nothing and absolutely everything all at once. One second I’d be lying there in silence, the next, I’d be hyperventilating from a panic attack. This is a concoction made for anxiety and depression, so try to breathe and relax as much as possible. Face what’s going on while still retaining as much of yourself as possible; that’s what your friend would want.
Daily Life
After the initial shock, you learn you must continue with your daily life. At first it seems impossible, unimaginable. But you come to find out you have no choice--life goes on. Not a day will go by where they won't cross your mind, and that's okay. It's good to remember them and to continue to love them with every passing day. Channel that love and that remembrance into the motivation to live each day for them. For every day they didn’t get to see, see twice as much. For every accomplishment they didn’t get to achieve, achieve twice as much. Live twice as hard, twice as happy. Do it for them.
Reminders
Even after you acclimate to living day by day again, there are still those subtle reminders that send your mind into a pit of sadness. You see a food they loved or a place you went together; you catch a whiff of their perfume or a see a shirt they wore, and it’s game over all over again. You’re going to experience reminders of them that touch your heart, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is letting it completely break your heart all over again. It’s okay to be saddened by their remembrance, what’s not okay is forgetting how happy you are to have known them.
Doppelgängers
There’s a girl at my college who looks and acts just like Caitlin. You would think this would mean I’d love the girl, but it's the exact opposite. Every time I see her, I have to hold back tears, with a knot in my stomach that weighs a ton. I feel guilty that I have such bitter feelings toward this innocent stranger. There comes a time where you are going to have to face reminders like this, and so far, the best way I’ve learned to cope with this is to stay away from the girl. I have to subtly leave the room when she’s around to avoid the pain. That’s okay too, we don’t have to face every ounce of pain or carry every pound of grief. We’re not superhuman, nor immortal; it’s okay to be strong with moments of weakness.
Unresolved Issues
Prior to Caitlin’s passing, we had a disagreement. When she passed, we were on good terms, but I still can’t help but get sickly saddened when thinking our issues weren’t completely resolved when she died. I re-think every sentence, every word of our past conversations, trying to contemplate if she understood how much I still loved her despite our issues. I’ve thought over and over again about what I would say if I could talk to her one last time.
But I’ve learned that you can’t do this; you can’t overthink every step of the way. It will drive you absolutely insane. The best thing you can do is understand that the past is the past, what’s done can’t be undone, and what happened can’t be changed. Just understand that any of those unresolved issues are actually resolved and any of those disputes are disintegrated the second they pass away. When something so serious as a friend passing away happens, all of those little problems are so minuscule that they disappear with their death. Regardless, I can’t help but think Caitlin knows I love her, and that she somehow knows the things I wish I could’ve said.
Unfortunately, there is no exact guide to coping with the loss of a friend; there is no exact science to dealing with heartbreak. I can’t promise you it gets easier, but I can promise you that you’ll be okay. Despite what it seems like at first, it’s not all downhill from here. Remember your friend, honor your friend, live and love for them every day. I often think of the last time I saw Caitlin, taking a shot together to ring in the New Year of 2014. Now, every New Year's I take a shot in honor of her. And I will continue to ring in every New Year in honor of her for the rest of my years to come.
