(DISCLAIMER: I, myself, am not a dad. I just really wanted to take the opportunity to write a dad-related article, because the opportunity was there you know? Alright. I'm glad I got that out of the way.)
So, everyone here wants to be a dad. Anyone who has seen the sun and clicked this article; we all want to be dads one day. I myself, want to be a dad; from the Air Monarch IVs to the really neat sunglasses all dads have. But how exactly do we BECOME these really radical dudes with the round heads, the funny bellies and the totally blind high-top fades? Here are some tips that one cool dad I met in Brookline Village one chilly morning told me.
1. Listen to Soft Rock
In order to truly don the aesthetic of the Generation X male, the really cool dad I met implored me to listen to as much Soft Rock as possible. Notable artists in the genre include The Carpenters, James Taylor, Elton John, the elusive Air Supply, America (the "Horse With No Name" dudes) and Cat Stevens. He also suggested some really great albums, such as Chicago's "Chicago," and the re-issue of Aerosmith's "Toys In the Attic" (yeah, we know it isn't Soft Rock. Dig it anyway, dudes). According to this WILD dad, Soft Rock really helps you get in touch with those inner dad feelings of fleeting youth especially in the face of adversity at home. Examples of adversity according to him include running out of Budweiser, or the WD-40 going missing.
2. Wear Jorts
Jorts (or jean shorts) are the gateway to dadhood, according to that really cool dad I met. With Jorts, one can truly be prepared for whatever being a dad throws at you, and they fit to breathe. Apparently, the feeling you get wearing those suckers is akin to "honey running down your back, and into the seat of your pants". That's what I was told, anyway. Grab a pair of jorts to really seal part of the deal, but not the whole deal. Some of the best brands to start in the long-winded journey of jorts are the tried-but-true Faded Glory which you can cop at your local Walmart, and your Wranglers. If you want to get a bit hardcore and invest in DAD JEANS, here's a great guide to start.
3. Always Lose Your Wallet
Another important tip is to always lose your wallet. It's kinda like that scene from "The Incredibles" where Frozone loses his supersuit, but with a wallet. It's an exhilarating feeling I was told, as it really gets your blood going every time you need to go out. It's the dad form of pre-gaming, for you hardcore dad initiates. There have been reports that losing your wallet on a regular basis improves your health tenfold. Why do you think dads live forever?
4. Be As Awkward As Possible
Without that everlasting streak of semi-moist jokes and awkwardness, a dad is not a dad. I was told by that really cool dad I met to always, and always, keep this awkward demeanor in every single circumstance. Without it, you risk breaking the suspension of disbelief every dad must keep up. To help keep the balance in check, one must always have shifty eyes and a turning head. A slight smile is also a very important aspect, with the awkward sense of humor. Toss a couple lines, such as the reliable joke format of "Hi (insert subject), I'm dad." Mastering this takes time, but it is always possible.
5. Don't Forget To Love Yourself
Last but not least, CoolDad 3000, not to be confused with Andre 3000, told me to always love your children, yourself, and always find ways to express and share your happiness with others. "Dads have an issue with expressing their emotions, and all of their emotions due to this weird stigma in the dad culture" according to CoolDad. "There's nothing we should be afraid of, you know? And it might just be a byproduct of this macho, hyper-masculine culture that was set as a precedent from the eras before us. But dads CAN and SHOULD be free to express themselves. That's why we need feminism. In order to create a world where these crazy institutionalized misogynistic standards and precedents can be broken in order for anyone to express themselves. It's all love, you know" laments CoolDad. Now that's one big takeaway.
Being a dad is tough work. But always remember to love yourselves, dads. There's nothing wrong with being you.
