Dear Dad,

I never even got to meet you.

I've only heard stories about you. I've seen so many photographs, but I've never seen you. I've seen the pigment in my imagination of what my reality could have been. I see someone who could have been my whole world, but couldn't be a part of anyone else's anymore. It still doesn't make any sense to me. I wish I knew the answers, and maybe then it would give me more closure.

I had two parents, morphed into one.

My mother was forced to be a single mother, and I wish she never would have been. My mother is the strongest woman I know, but I know how hard it was for her to raise me. She was 18, working minimum wage in the early 2000's. She barely had time to see me after I was born because she was picking up shifts back-to-back, just to pay for daycare. My mother was forced to drop everything for me, and I wish she wasn't. I wish you were still here. Things would be so much different, and maybe I wouldn't even have met the people I have today, but I would have you.

I would know what it's actually like to have a father.

I've never been good with men, or even around them. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do, or even say. I've been through a lot, Dad. I really wish you were here to watch me, face-to-face. I know you're watching over me, but I really need you here. I need you in front of me, I need to be able to actually feel the roughness of your skin, knowing you're real and alive. I have never been good with father figures. I don't want anyone to take your place.

I know she misses you.

I want to keep believing she does, even if she is getting married in the fall. I know she still loves you, Dad. I know she does - she has to. Everyday, you're crossing through the valleys of my mind. I may not know you, but I love you. She's happy, but she's also sad. I know she sees a spitting image of you when she looks at me.

Everyone tells me I look just like my dad.

I almost cry every time someone tells me. They knew you, and I never got to. They've seen you, Dad. I would kill to see your face. I want to see you and hear you. I want to know if I'm actually just like my father, like everyone tells me. Everyone says that you loved animals, and it passed onto me. I've never heard anything bad about you, Dad. I'm sure you made mistakes along the road; I've been there a few times myself already. Life isn't easy - it never is. It never has been. What I'm trying to say with all of this is though is life would be so much easier if you were in it.

Every step I take is for you.

I know you're watching over me, and I know you see everything I do. You may be gone from this world, but you are in the clouds. You're keeping an eye on me, just like mom always said you would. I'm sorry if I've ever disappointed you, Dad. I've been through so many obstacles in life, and I always try my best to overcome them. It's so easy to get sucked into the temptations of life, and I'm so sorry if I have disappointed you by feeding into them along my journey. I know you made mistakes in life - I know you have. I know I wasn't a miracle child. You two were teenagers. You two were still kids, growing up and living your lives. One mistake can change your life forever. You give me the motivation I need to keep going. My success is all for you, Dad. I want to make you proud. When I die, I want to see you and be able to hug you and have you telling me it was all worth it. Why would I want that? I want this because I will finally be able to know my father is proud of me. After all of the years of watching me grow up, watching the mistakes I've made, and the obstacles I've overcome, I will finally be able to say that my father is proud of me.

I will always love you.

Thank you for loving me.