I cannot contain how excited I am for this year to start. As cliché as it sounds, this year is going to be WAY better than freshman year. And it all starts with a new perspective. As much as I'd love to say that last year was a great start to college and that it had more ups than downs, being in a new place hit me HARD. And the sad part is it wasn't until this past summer that I realized how deep of a hole I had dug myself into. I was so lost last year that I couldn't even bring myself to stop, take a deep breath, and realize where my choices were leading me. Not to mention, there was a lot of leftover, unresolved, internal conflict that I had packed at the bottom of my suitcase and brought with me to college. I knew what I was getting into. I also knew, or at least hoped that it wouldn't feel so strange for very long.

From the very beginning, I never minded the idea of being in a place far from home and being surrounded by unfamiliar people. What ended up catching me off guard was the unexpected stress that came from the things I thought I could actually handle. Being a place where I had the complete freedom to figure out my place in the world, study subjects that peaked my interest, and meet a variety of people with all sorts of opinions and perspectives was something I looked forward to. Until the idea of it all became very real. It was almost as if I was trapped within a fenced area all my life and the gate was finally being opened. All the sudden, it felt like I needed to completely alter my life and my decisions became a hundred times more important. This terrified me. It felt like I wasn't allowed to be unsure anymore. I know what you must be thinking, "Why would you feel this way? That's what the definition of going to college is." I knew that. Deep down, I knew that. Or at least, a part of me did. Another part of me let all her anxiety, fear, and sadness take over and see those things as the enemy. In that case, I went into this mode of fending for myself the only way I knew how, which was to hide away and find any way I could to avoid facing the problem. There were times were I'd just physically hide in my room under the covers but for the most part, it was me trying to find the quickest way to loosen up and shed the worry.

I never learned moderation. I never learned about partying maturely. I was so, so naive. In retrospect, I was trying to create a new persona that I knew was wrong from the beginning but because I thought this persona would have a better chance of adjusting, I went along with it even when it got out of control. I thought because I was always a good student in high school, that I had morals, that I had a firm grasp on who I was and who I wanted to be, where I wanted my life to go, that I always tried to do the right thing, I thought I could escape the trouble that came from mixing partying and anxiety. I got so caught up in the confidence I felt in the moment that it became too hard to let go of. It was worth more than all the consequences and trouble that came afterwards, until it suddenly wasn't anymore.

In the end, the person I was before I came to college was not someone who was strong enough to handle what came at her. I now realize that I had to grow, that getting to a place where I know I should've never ended up. I needed to see in order to know where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in a good place, not in place where things seemed fine and I had to constantly find ways to keep up the illusion.

I ended up meeting friends who helped me find the best version of myself. I'm coming into sophomore year not feeling scared if I stumble a little bit here and there. Most of all, I'm ready to grow into a person I'm proud of and will want to embody for the rest of my time here.