I was inspired to write this article because bisexuality awareness week in 2016 is Sept. 19-26 in 2016. This week is to recognize the bisexual community’s existence. In light of this I have decided to share my own story as someone who is a part of the LGBTQ community and how it felt hiding this while growing up in a conservative community.

My first memory of realizing something about me was different from the norm was back in preschool. I attended a preschool at a Baptist Church and so we not only learned how to read and write, but we also learned about Christianity. My best friend in preschool was named Sarah, she and I were inseparable. I honestly thought she looked like an angel and often told her how beautiful she was.

I remember one day I was sitting in a circle of kids while we were eating lunch and one girl said that she would marry her best guy friend one day. The teacher laughed and said how cute it was she had a little crush. Then I announced I would one day marry Sarah and how we would live in a huge mansion together. To this comment the teacher laughed and told me “You can’t marry a girl! That’s just silly and impossible.” The whole class laughed at me and I remember being confused as to why I couldn’t marry my best friend.

I recall being young and confused by what I felt. It was ingrained on me by my community how girls can’t like girls and boys can’t like boys in a romantic way. I remember my family visited a church of a friend's and the Pastor condemned Britney Spears and Madonna for kissing on an award show because it was sinful and wrong. I remember becoming so scared after hearing this because I didn’t want to go to hell.

I didn’t know how to explain what I felt towards girls, I just knew how it wasn’t viewed as normal. I attended kindergarten at a public school and spent the rest of my K-12 experience in public school. I remember talking to a group of girls in kindergarten about how pretty a girl on the playground was and how I wanted to hold her hand, they giggled and told me it sounded like I had a crush on her. This was seen as a preposterous idea because we were raised to believe girls don’t like girls that way. I went to the bathroom during recess to cry because I was so scared wondering what was wrong with me.

Finally I had my first crush on a boy and I felt so relieved, I thought maybe my feelings had passed. Maybe I was normal like everyone said I needed to be. But only a year later I found myself having a crush on a girl again. I was more confused and scared than ever during this time.

It wasn’t until the middle of my elementary school years when I heard about Ellen DeGeneres. She was scandalous to talk about because she was the L word, too risqué to speak about to kids. She was a lesbian. I remember asking what a lesbian was to my parents and how uncomfortable they felt when explaining how some people are different, they aren’t normal like us. I didn’t say much about how I felt toward Ellen at the time, but to have an openly out celebrity made me feel like maybe something wasn’t wrong with me. It gave me some hope.

Then one day a group of kids at my lunch were talking and someone brought up Ellen. They all went to church regularly with their parents and were Christian kids. They all came to a consensus about how their parents said Ellen was a sinner and going to hell. They agreed and continued saying how anyone who was weird like Ellen needed to be saved so they could become normal, which was the alternative word for straight. I was silent throughout the whole conversation, hoping they couldn’t tell I was a freak too. I thought to myself ‘well I like boys too, so maybe, just maybe, no one will ever have to know -- I can just hide it.’

My dad was a Christian, but my mom was not so we did not attend church on a weekly basis. It wasn’t until middle school when I started going to church on a regular basis. All my friends attended a weekly youth group at the very same Baptist Church I went to preschool in. I went and later on identified myself as a Christian.

I was in 6^th grade when I committed myself to Christianity. I experienced my very first kiss at an all-girls sleep over this same year. All the girls were squealing at how wrong it was while giggling, most saying how they would never do it again. Yet there I was confused because I did not feel disgusted by the kiss. Rather I enjoyed it and wanted to kiss her again. However, I faked a smile, laughed and lied saying how I thought it was gross too before suggesting we watch a movie instead. I later went to the bathroom and cried because I was scared by my own feelings.

I remember telling my sister what happened and she asked me if I was bisexual. I had never heard of bisexuality before so I asked her what it was. She told me it was when someone liked both boys and girls. I remember changing the subject because I was too scared to answer. My sister later told me how that was the moment she knew I was in the closet, but she didn’t want to push me to come out so she let me change the subject. For once I had a word to describe how I was feeling. As scared as I was by what I was feeling, I was also relieved to know there was a word for it because it meant I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.

Later on, the news of this sleepover spread around school. I remember being in 8^th grade and having people question if I was a lesbian in whispers. Others thought I had done it for attention and liked to taunt me with it. When I went to the bathroom with a friend, people would start a rumor we were making out in the bathroom, when all we actually did was use the bathroom then wash our hands. Everyone treated the LGBTQ community as a taboo thing to be. I was bullied over other things as well, but this specifically terrified me even further about what I was hiding.

I remember in 8^th grade I told one of my friends how I was questioning whether I was bisexual. She told me I was disgusting and she didn’t talk to me for a month until I came crying to her. I had to lie and say I was straight before she forgave me for almost coming out to her. She still acted weird around me even after we made up.

I spent a majority of middle school staying up late at night crying, begging God to fix me. To make me straight like everyone else seemed to be. I asked him why he made me out to be a freak who liked both men and women if it would cause me to burn in hell. I was scared for my soul, scared by what the future held for me and scared of how my family would react to my sin.

I eventually was baptized in 9^th grade. Most of my friends believed anyone in the LGBTQ community was living a sin and it was wrong. At this time it felt like everyone around me were conservative, I felt trapped in the closet. I also had my first boyfriend this year as well. I hoped dating a boy would make me straight, it obviously didn’t work. I actually did have feelings for him, but I was still attracted to both boys and girls.

It wasn’t until near the end of my 9^th grade year when I finally admitted to myself that I was bisexual without feeling shame. I made a friend who also identified as bisexual at the time and she helped me learn to accept myself. I cried from relief when I finally told myself that being bisexual wasn’t a sin. I felt a little bit of the weight on my shoulders slide as I forgave myself for being bisexual, because it wasn’t wrong. It was okay.

I spent the rest of high school in the closet because I did not feel safe to come out to most of my friends. So I only dated boys in high school. I told most of my exes I was bisexual after I felt like I could trust them. Some were nice about it, some were disgusting and asked me if it meant I would be interested in three ways (to this I would reply with a stern no). One was particularly malicious, he threatened to break up with me unless I said I was straight because he was so self-conscious and jealous that I would leave him for a girl. After a year of dating he ended up breaking up with me because he couldn’t handle it.

In my junior high school I attended a sermon at my church where they condemned the LGBTQ community saying it was a sin and how we were doomed to hell. I left mid sermon sobbing, once again feeling the pinging pains of fear. Instead of fearing for my soul, I feared how others would treat me when I came out. I was scared of losing friends and family over my sexuality. A woman from the front office of the youth group center followed me asking why I was crying. When I told her she actually yelled at me and criticized me for being disrespectful by leaving the sermon early. She was pushy and would not stop repeating bible verses condemning homosexuality. A police officer also followed me out and told me homosexuality had to be wrong because AIDS and HIV existed, they were both telling me anyone LGBTQ would burn and would never live a happy life. I cried harder hoping it would stop.

I finally started to walk away while texting my dad to please come pick me up early. Luckily my house was only a few minutes away. My dad showed up when the woman and officer had calmed down, they were mid lecture when he called me. I was able to leave and escape to my dad’s truck. I cried for a long time sitting in his truck, unable to form a full sentence about what was wrong. Once I was completely out of tears I told my dad about what they were saying in the sermon. My dad asked me why I reacted so personally, I didn’t feel coming out yet so instead I told him I couldn’t stand to see so much hate toward the LGBTQ community. Later on my dad told me how that night was when he suspected I might have been in the closet.

I promised myself that night I would never again willingly step foot at this church ever again. To this day I have kept that promise to myself. I decided after crying that night, I could still believe in a God without attending church.

By senior year most people guessed my sexual orientation because had started being more vocal about LGBTQ rights. I came out to everyone in my friend group except for two of my most religious friends my senior year. For the most part I had positive reactions, a few were confused or didn’t believe me because I had only dated boys. They later came around to accept it.

I came out to my family too. My sister was the most accepting because she had known for years. She was my biggest cheerleader and supporter. Some members of my family found me to be disgusting, one who I was very close with went as far as throwing up. To this particular person, being bisexual in their words “is worse than being a lesbian because bisexuals are greedy.” It hurt to know how unaccepting this person was, they now have come to accept me for who I am, which I am thankful for. My dad surprised me, he ended up being very supportive and loving despite being Christian. He told me how God is love and reminded me how God loved me. I cried I was so happy to have my dad accept me for me.

I graduated and went on to a liberal arts college two hours away from my hometown, University of North Carolina at Asheville. I did not allow myself to live in fear in college like I did for most of my life. I came out to my two religious friends over the phone my freshman year of college, they both still love me as a friend. They don’t agree with being LGBTQ and still see it as a sin, but they’re willing to be my friend still and I have come to respect their opinion while still being happy as who I am. I later on dated my first girlfriend who also helped me to further accept my sexual orientation. She and I broke up over some personal issues, but we had no hard feelings. I will always have tremendous respect and gratitude for her.

So now I am fully out and happy for the first time in my life.

Happy Bisexual Awareness Week!