Growing up I never heard the term gay.
Not in a normal way, not in a way that was explained to me so that it would make any sense. Instead, I overheard people using terms like fa**ot or using “gay” as an insult to another man. In fact I hardly heard the term gay used to describe a woman at all. I remember being in 2nd grade and never feeling like I fit in. It wasn’t in the way you’d think because I had a lot of friends. I was invited to sleep overs and the whole nine yards. However, what I mean is I was 8 years old and when the rest of my friends all wanted boyfriends I did not. Don’t get me wrong at the age of 8 I had no idea what being gay even was let alone thought for one second that I might be but I knew something was different. I tried to force myself to act like the others girls, to dress like them, to want boyfriends like them. It didn’t work. Instead, I wound up getting anxiety whenever they would try and set me up with a boy. A terrible empty feeling would rush over me and all of a sudden I would feel like someone punched me in a the gut. I would run right over to the boy with a hand written note breaking things off just as soon as I knew I couldn’t do it. For so long after I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I getting these feelings? Why wasn’t I like my friends? What was wrong with me? By age 12 I was experimenting with girls and realized I liked it much more than they did. See for them it was just a phase, it was just them growing into their sexuality and by the time they were out of their phase I was starting to toy with the idea that I was gay. When it was all said and done I had to come clean to myself and my closest friends. I did and I truly felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Most of my family was accepting and I ended up being pretty lucky with the turn out.
I’m 24 years old now currently in a committed domestic partnership with my very best friend. We have plans of getting engaged soon and starting our own family. However, even with all of the acceptance from family and friends, even with gay marriage being legal and the fact that our rights are currently being fought for I still can’t seem to settle my mind. I think about the way we have conditioned the world to work. I think about how much easier it would have been for me growing up if I had only had someone there helping me figure out my sexuality or if I had someone there to tell me nothing was wrong with me that I was normal, just not their normal.
We are a part of a world guided by what others do. Influences in the media make it near impossible to be original anymore and young people everywhere are admiring people they know nothing about. Commercials and movies dictate our thought process and force us to dream big only to hit the harsh reality of the world and find out that in fact it is never that easy. We move out on our own away from our families and try to find our identities. I’m 24 years old and still don’t know who I am completely.
Men hit on me often, I always feel flattered but inform them that not only am I not single but I am gay. Their reaction? Usually a comment on whether or not my girlfriend and I together would like to join him in his bed. Being offended has become a way of life for gay people everywhere. The fact that holding my girlfriends hand can cause negative reactions make me want to stop. The eye rolling and stares make me want to let them win. Only, when that happens she holds my hand tighter. We make a statement without opening our mouths and decide right then and there if a hateful gun man wants to shoot us for loving each other at least we die together.
As a child I didn’t know what being gay meant. I had no idea that it would become such a huge part of who I am. Notice I said it is a part of who I am, it is not all that I am. Growing up gay made me doubt myself, made me scared of myself. Growing up gay forced me into figuring things out on my own. I’m stronger because of it and I plan to continue living my life to the fullest. I’d like to say something to those out there struggling with finding themselves.
- Just because you are attracted to the same sex doesn’t make you gay.
- If you are gay, it’s not something you have to identify with right away. Take your time.
- Ultimately when you figure everything out, being gay is normal too.
