We all know that cliché, the one where a friend makes you put down the ice cream, stop watching romantic comedies, put nice clothes on and leave your room. You can't just sit around and feel sorry for yourself, your friend says. It’s time for you to get over it.
But what happens when we don’t comply? What happens when we say, “Thanks but no thanks, I’m not done grieving”? Our society tells us then that we’re being silly, we’re indulging ourselves, we’re overreacting. But I don’t think we are. I think we’re being humans. Humans who smile and laugh and love. Humans who also cry, feel, hurt and grieve sometimes.
There’s a quote I saw months ago, by Rumi, at a time when I happened to be grieving a personal loss. The power of this quote has stuck with me ever since.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
That was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. And for the first time in my life, I really grieved, without judging myself for it. Usually there is a nagging voice in my head asking, “What’s wrong with you, why aren’t you better yet?” But this time I was patient. I let myself feel that sorrow, for as long as I needed to. And before I knew it, I had the closure I had been seeking for months. At some point, I finished grieving and found a happiness I hadn’t known I was capable of. In short, I experienced exactly what Rumi was talking about it in that quote. And it’s actually quite beautiful.
This is one of those times when scrolling through news headlines serves as a heavy reminder of all the suffering in our world. Colleges throughout the U.S. are fighting a deeply embedded problem, racism. Students are standing tall in support of their peers, bravely encouraging difficult conversations and grieving. Paris, Baghdad, Beirut and Kenya are mourning their losses. Their people are struggling with grief and blame. The rest of the world is still reeling, trying to find a way to show their support to others and mourn with them.
No matter who you are or what you’re grieving right now, just know that’s okay. Sure it's uncomfortable sometimes, but honestly, staying in your comfort zone is no way to grow and move forward. Let yourself mourn, be patient with yourself and your fellow humans. Better things will come with time.
