A Greater Plan

A Greater Plan

God's plan is better than our own.

Spring semester of 2016, I began to take an interest in a fellow classmate. Over time, this crush became feelings, and I thought things were moving in a semi-positive way. However, I always had a gut feeling about another girl (we will name her Sam for this story) also having a crush on him. I like to think I am pretty observant of others, so I didn’t take this feeling too lightly. Eventually, I found out that she really did, and soon after that, they began dating.

One point in my corner for rejection.

This semester, I developed feelings for another male friend of mine. Things went a bit differently with this one though. While I liked the guy back in the spring, I knew deep down that we would never work as a couple. He was very introverted and we didn’t have much in common (by much, I mean nothing). However, I felt like this semester my feelings were true. Last year, they came suddenly. This year, it happened over a course of a few weeks. (Some of you are probably thinking that still isn’t a lot of time, but in college, it’s basically centuries). If you’ve read any of my other articles, you know how this story goes, so I will spare the details for now.

It has been two months since those feelings have come, and they’ve grown more with each passing day. The more I try pushing them down, the more they grow. It’s sort of like when you are a kid and your parents have you “garden” because it’s “fun”, but really they want you to pull out all of the weeds. Just when you think you are done and that you’ve taken care of business, you walk out of the house a week later to find them coming in even stronger. That’s how these feelings have been going so far. Fun stuff, huh?

Remember Sam? Well, I have had that same gut feeling about her liking this same guy all semester. I figured that I was just pretty paranoid in my thoughts and decided not to think too much into it. But guess what a few little birdies have told me this week? Oh yes, Demi was right. How funny. And guess what else? Everyone is rooting for them and “making it happen”.

Suddenly my world came crashing down a bit more.

It’s hard to find peace in these moments. It’s hard not to feel rejections hand pushing me deeper into a drowning pool. It’s hard to understand why for the second time, it’s more likely to be her than me.

I don’t know much, but here’s what I am trying to learn myself:

God loves me. God doesn’t want my heart shattered. He has a better plan for me. Sometimes, we have to go through heartbreak after heartbreak because we don’t learn the lesson the first time. While I have always responded positively for “Sam” and whatever guy, I have always had a bitter pit broiling inside of me. I have never handed God the situation and said “Here, you fix it.” Instead, I cry and pity myself and feel the rejection. I rant to friends about how unfair it is, and I just go into an endless spiral of despair for myself. None of this is God’s plan.

He wants me to break so that I can come to Him. He wants to mend my broken heart.

One of my favorite songs right now is Mended by Matthew West. This song gives me all the feels. I mean, the first line literally starts out with “how many times can one heart break?” Well, Matthew, quite a few times apparently. Of course, this is followed by two more powerful phrases: “When you see broken beyond repair, I see healing beyond belief” and” When you see wounded, I see mended”. Honestly, I could quote the entire song in this article- it is that good.

See, God doesn’t break me apart to keep me that way. There’s always another purpose, a greater meaning, a bigger plan. I will never understand these things if I am relying on my own heart. I can sit around and pity myself and fill my heart with bitterness over not getting my earthly desires. Or, I can be mended by God’s love. I can let Him have complete control of every situation. Honestly, I get scared of admitting that I may have been wrong about what my life should look like. I think I am smart enough to figure things out for myself. It makes sense that I would think I deserve the guy this time around over Sam.

I can tell you that the first time around, I didn’t give this situation to God at all. This time, I have tried to let go of my death grip on the situation and let Him have control, but at the end of the day, I still struggle. I have to remind myself every hour to stop putting myself in control. I can guarantee you that God doesn’t want me to be single forever. I am sure prince charming is out there. Who knows, he could already be in my life. Until I give the situation to God, fully and without holding onto that tiny string still, I probably won’t find him. I will continue to go through this situation until I learn the lesson God wants to teach me.

If you have experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, in any form or fashion, what is it that you are not learning from this situation? I can guarantee you that God is ready for you to take the passenger seat, to be quiet, to stop pulling the strings. It is time that we let Him have our full attention and control.

Cover Image Credit: Demi Agresta

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved

To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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