Spring semester of 2016, I began to take an interest in a fellow classmate. Over time, this crush became feelings, and I thought things were moving in a semi-positive way. However, I always had a gut feeling about another girl (we will name her Sam for this story) also having a crush on him. I like to think I am pretty observant of others, so I didn’t take this feeling too lightly. Eventually, I found out that she really did, and soon after that, they began dating.
One point in my corner for rejection.
This semester, I developed feelings for another male friend of mine. Things went a bit differently with this one though. While I liked the guy back in the spring, I knew deep down that we would never work as a couple. He was very introverted and we didn’t have much in common (by much, I mean nothing). However, I felt like this semester my feelings were true. Last year, they came suddenly. This year, it happened over a course of a few weeks. (Some of you are probably thinking that still isn’t a lot of time, but in college, it’s basically centuries). If you’ve read any of my other articles, you know how this story goes, so I will spare the details for now.
It has been two months since those feelings have come, and they’ve grown more with each passing day. The more I try pushing them down, the more they grow. It’s sort of like when you are a kid and your parents have you “garden” because it’s “fun”, but really they want you to pull out all of the weeds. Just when you think you are done and that you’ve taken care of business, you walk out of the house a week later to find them coming in even stronger. That’s how these feelings have been going so far. Fun stuff, huh?
Remember Sam? Well, I have had that same gut feeling about her liking this same guy all semester. I figured that I was just pretty paranoid in my thoughts and decided not to think too much into it. But guess what a few little birdies have told me this week? Oh yes, Demi was right. How funny. And guess what else? Everyone is rooting for them and “making it happen”.
Suddenly my world came crashing down a bit more.
It’s hard to find peace in these moments. It’s hard not to feel rejections hand pushing me deeper into a drowning pool. It’s hard to understand why for the second time, it’s more likely to be her than me.
I don’t know much, but here’s what I am trying to learn myself:
God loves me. God doesn’t want my heart shattered. He has a better plan for me. Sometimes, we have to go through heartbreak after heartbreak because we don’t learn the lesson the first time. While I have always responded positively for “Sam” and whatever guy, I have always had a bitter pit broiling inside of me. I have never handed God the situation and said “Here, you fix it.” Instead, I cry and pity myself and feel the rejection. I rant to friends about how unfair it is, and I just go into an endless spiral of despair for myself. None of this is God’s plan.
He wants me to break so that I can come to Him. He wants to mend my broken heart.
One of my favorite songs right now is Mended by Matthew West. This song gives me all the feels. I mean, the first line literally starts out with “how many times can one heart break?” Well, Matthew, quite a few times apparently. Of course, this is followed by two more powerful phrases: “When you see broken beyond repair, I see healing beyond belief” and” When you see wounded, I see mended”. Honestly, I could quote the entire song in this article- it is that good.
See, God doesn’t break me apart to keep me that way. There’s always another purpose, a greater meaning, a bigger plan. I will never understand these things if I am relying on my own heart. I can sit around and pity myself and fill my heart with bitterness over not getting my earthly desires. Or, I can be mended by God’s love. I can let Him have complete control of every situation. Honestly, I get scared of admitting that I may have been wrong about what my life should look like. I think I am smart enough to figure things out for myself. It makes sense that I would think I deserve the guy this time around over Sam.
I can tell you that the first time around, I didn’t give this situation to God at all. This time, I have tried to let go of my death grip on the situation and let Him have control, but at the end of the day, I still struggle. I have to remind myself every hour to stop putting myself in control. I can guarantee you that God doesn’t want me to be single forever. I am sure prince charming is out there. Who knows, he could already be in my life. Until I give the situation to God, fully and without holding onto that tiny string still, I probably won’t find him. I will continue to go through this situation until I learn the lesson God wants to teach me.
If you have experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, in any form or fashion, what is it that you are not learning from this situation? I can guarantee you that God is ready for you to take the passenger seat, to be quiet, to stop pulling the strings. It is time that we let Him have our full attention and control.