A Continuing Education | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Student Life

A Continuing Education

A first semester in graduate school

79
A Continuing Education
Author

I can’t talk like I used to. I can’t form sentences; can’t express thoughts.

Everyone tells me I’m “growing up,” but this never seemed as cold as the snow drooling downward from the Manhattan skyline.

So I come home, hang up my keys, run over to the sink – wash my hands. Never let the dirty subway contaminate blissful thoughts in an apartment with old pipes, brick walls, and the window with a view.

Remind myself that this is rent I cannot pay and proceed to peruse the fridge. Always odd, my food habits seem to change when I feel fewer options are afforded to me. No more cereal or cow’s milk: things go bad so quickly.

I got bad so quickly.

Walking over to the “fun house” mirror in my living room, I notice the change in my perception. It’s the warping of my thoughts as the movements shift. Up or down – the waviness of a concept. Left or right – the widening of the void.

They call this distortion, I believe. A frame for it: positively challenging.

Is graduate school in a city like New York positively challenging distortion?

Distractions appear in the fractions of the evenings typically spent watching infomercials or listening to religious zealots. Well, in suburbia, that is.

I woke up twice in the middle of the night – frenzied and afraid. Twice. One semester. Maybe the tears refused a pushdown. Push them down,






And down.













And further down.

So dark they surpass the subway in depth. They go beyond the holes that rats scurry. Taking their garbage with them.

Perhaps I am stuck in a rut, and my rut is one of those holes. Swoosh me down with the rainwater on the tracks. I am the gutter rat.


There are extremes, but both make coping harder.

You found yourself in the lowest of the low; you exalted the highest high.

It is a case of the between. You hate being back in your lows and depressed in your highs. Feelings and emotions may be on a continuum but your tolerance for bullshit is not.

Develop apathy? Melancholy? What out of your bag of feels can you grab with convenience because you’ve got a subway to catch to that place uptown so you can go wash your hands again, give this thought process a go once more.

Huh. It got pretty bad there. Sitting on the orange seat next to the red seat next to the person reading the news deemed “fake” in the “fake” newspaper. I need a distraction or I will faint on this train. No one can know. No one.

One step onto the platform — high five yourself. You made it. I reward myself with a deep breath — consciously forced. Those past ten minutes seem real quick when you are not breathing.


I come back, sit my backpack against the whitewashed walls of an apartment room, and I wash my hands.

Let’s start this over again.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Relationships

The Unwritten Rules Of "Talking"

What is "talking?" How does one "talk?"

4400
girl holding phone
NYCPRGIRLS

Now that it seems “talking” is the new way to date, and will stay that way until another idiotic term is used to describe the people who can’t settle down and just date someone, I feel as if it’s time to go over the unwritten rules of “talking.”

Rule 1. Having feeling without feeling.

Keep Reading...Show less
The Stages of Having FOMO in College
iamthatgirl.com

Are you one of those people that gets super upset when you miss out on anything? Well, you may have FOMO, or fear of missing out. In college it’s not hard to experience FOMO every once in a while. You just love doing everything and anything, so hen you have to miss out on something it's the worst possible thing in your mind. Whether you’re sick, have to work, or have so much work to do you could cry – FOMO will hit you hard in college.

Keep Reading...Show less
Vivien Leigh
Revelist

I've lived a whole 21 years with an RBF (Resting Bitch Face), so naturally, I go through most of these struggles on a daily basis.

And before you ask, yes I'm fine. No, I'm not mad. This is just my face, so take it or leave it! To those of you who have been #blessed with an RBF, you'll probably relate to these more than you'd like to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Iconic Duos: Timeless Legends

From Luke and Leia to Beyonce's twins...

774766
Luke and Leia from Star Wars, a iconic duo
Lucasfilm

“Name a more iconic duo... I'll wait." OK, well, if you insist. In no particular order, here's a list of 100 iconic duos that seem to be timeless.

SEE MORE: This Is The ICONIC Disney Sidekick You Are To Your BFF, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

A Candid Letter to My Best Friends Ex

Because this is the real form of torture you deserve.

1276
middle finger
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

What's up Asshat,

I've composed a list of things that I wish upon you, and they're harsh and cruel. These things are things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst of enemies, not even that Starbuck's barista who always screws up my order, not even him. You fall into a whole other category of hate. You surpass Starbucks barista. Congratulations, I'm actually a pretty nice person, making you worthy of every single bit of torture I wish upon you. What are these things I wish upon you you might ask?

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments