Unfortunately, It has been quite a while since my last article. I last wrote about the ideas in Buddhism, specifically the Eightfold Path, and proclaimed the beginning of a personal challenge to meditate and practice "Samma-kammanta" or right action. This challenge may have been a bit hopeful or maybe even naive. Habits are hard to break and hard to form. I did not meditate every day or always act well though I am pleased to say I tried, and still now I try. I try to remain mindful and do as much as possible with awareness and intention. All this being in the past I want to write, addressing myself, a goodbye to my disorder which has taken too much of my time and energy and which I no longer want to carry with me. I am getting help and I will be posting articles about my experiences so far and the steps I am taking as well as the tools and tips I have found on the way!
Liz, you know one of the many reasons to love yoga is the common call to, "let go of what is no longer serving you," so it's time to talk about your ED, Delilah. You've had her around for a long time. When your long term relationship ended she was there, to keep you company and distract you from the pain, when you were young she gave you something to keep you busy while your parents and sister argued, she gave you something to call for help, for attention. I get it. But just because it's company doesn't mean you need it, it's time to realize you'd be better off alone than with her.
You just can't afford to keep attending to her needs, her constant cravings and demands wear you out, leave you with no energy. More than taking your energy, she takes all of your time. Do you remember what it was like to have hobbies, to have interests, to have time to go on a bike ride or sit peacefully and read a book? Now you only have brief glimpses of that easy, gentle lifestyle you once had. It could be that way always. Delilah is...selfish. She wants you all to herself; when you get invited out she calls you back in.
What has sprouted partially from a fear of being alone has gotten out of hand. She may keep you company but she is the worst guest. Delilah is there when you wake up and bounces around you chattering deliriously, shouting irrational demands. She throws your belongings around the room and forces you to clean up after. She doesn't say "please" or "thank you." She keeps her shoes on in your bed. She constantly insults you, tells you that you are worthless, tells you nobody wants you but her, tells you that you are a burden, that you are ugly, that you are disgusting. Delilah causes you to miss out on a better company, from those who love you and can help you grow. With her, you do not, and will not, be able to live your own life.
It's time to demand Delilah to leave. It's time to separate yourself from her because every day you do not she grows closer to you, consuming all of your personal interests. Do not be fooled, she will not go easily. Delilah will scream and cry and throw fits and at times you might even feel tempted to just keep her. There will even be days she seems to have gone dormant and therefore you'll think that you can stop trying to pry her off. Do not be fooled, it will be a hard, terrifying, exhausting and emotional journey to finally push her away but you can do it. Hear that? You can do it. Take every day as it comes, go to your new counselor next week, take your medication, log your thoughts and your doubts, keep eating according to schedule. There will be days in the journey that you feel horrible, you feel exposed and uncomfortable, on those days you need to reach out for help, for love, for support. Do not feel embarrassed to ask for help. That is what humanity is, it is asking for help and love. Stay open Liz, stay gentle with yourself, because I know deep in there you are there and you deserve to be open, everyone does.
