I’m sorry.

You deserve an apology greater than what I can provide. You were my best friend, before I went off to college and decided to put myself first for basically the first time in my life. I chose to let you go, even when you clearly weren’t ready. And now you are gone.

I am sorry for all the hurt that I caused you. I know it wasn’t easy letting go of the person who did her best to keep you sane. I am sorry for not being able to talk as much as you wanted to because I had other stuff to do. I am sorry that I was unable to continue seeing you so hurt for so long. You were just crying out for some extra help, but that help was too hard for me to give—so I left.

I left you when you were at your most vulnerable. When you needed a sister, a true best friend. But most importantly, I left when you needed me.

I should have been there for you when you fell down too many times. When you reached your hand out, and I wasn’t there to catch you after years and years of me being there. I am sorry that I let you go on your own when you just needed one more person to look out for you.

You deserve a best friend who can be there for all the times that I couldn’t be. You deserve a stable person who has more emotional intelligence than what I have. You deserve—deserved—someone better than me. But if I was one of the people of your support system who you needed, then I should have been there. But I wasn’t.

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I won’t be able to laugh with you anymore on your good days, or go out to eat every Friday night after practice. I am sorry I won’t be able to practice right next to you and keep you holding on to every ounce of power you had in every stroke you took. I am sorry I won’t be able to race in front of you anymore. I will never have that feeling of being able to count on you as you counted on me.

I am sorry for being a terrible friend and support, but most of all I am sorry you gave up on yourself.

I know this wasn’t the first time you tried. And I sure wasn’t going to let you try when I was around you, but you had so much potential. Your love for others came to you so naturally that I was astounded. I didn’t know that someone who had so little hope for themselves was able to love people like you could. Every time you spoke, I could see you just brightening up the lives of others, even if it was hurting yourself because you were trying to hide your own hurt from others. I learned so much from you. How to be strong, how to bite your tongue, how to talk to adults.

I learned from you how to love myself and how important it is, because that was one thing you could never do. I learned from you how to dance and not care about how other people look at me. I learned how to get in trouble without getting caught. I learned how to adventure and how to fall in love with being with others. I learned how much peer influence can change a person. I learned how important it is to be a great best friend—how important I was to you before I was the one who needed a break.

But now, it is too late to change the past.

I just want you to know that I will never forget you. You were and will always will be my favorite pair partner, even if we sucked in a double together. Your light will shine so bright in all of us from now on.

But right now, it is time for me to say goodbye. I don’t know how I can as I still feel like I can call you and you will answer, but I know you won’t. I know you can’t. But if you could see me now I wish you could know that I am sorry, that I love you and I will always and forever love you.

Goodbye, best friend. I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye like this. You are, from this moment on, one of my greatest memories from high school. Please, be good to yourself from now on, wherever you are.

Goodbye for now, but not forever.