By definition, the glass transition is a property of only the amorphous portion of a semi-crystalline solid. The crystalline portion remains crystalline during the glass transition. At a low temperature the amorphous regions of a polymer are in the glassy state. In this state the molecules are frozen in place. They may be able to vibrate slightly, but do not have any segmental motion in which portions of the molecule wiggle around. This is where I'm at.
I like my routine here, I really do. I like my classes and my friends and my major and my hobbies. I like my life, I swear. But at times I'm overwhelmed with this crushing sense that I'm trapped in this bubble, this monotonous cycle of walking across the same streets, waking up at the same time, seeing the same people living the same life. We're always taught that there's this great big world out there and we have this intuitive duty to discover it and make our mark. That's how I feel anyways, vibrating slightly but not really moving. Frozen in place.
The other weekend, I went home for a friend's going away party. The whole trip in its entirety totaled a mere 22 hours, including travel time there and back to school. I didn't think anything of it, and was merely happy I had the time to go home and see my friend before she left on her study abroad. There we were, back in my hometown, laughing at the same jokes, telling stories about high school, talking excitedly about the new things she was about to see. I saw old friends who had ultimately been like family to me, old boyfriends who I could still catch up with, and just felt a resounding sense of familiarity. All of a sudden, I was back at home, and school didn't exist. The routine, the classes, the hobbies, were all gone.
But the next morning, I was back on the road, and within a few hours, was back in my apartment with my textbooks and my schedule and things and my routine. It was as if the night before was all a dream, some nostalgic delusion of yesteryears. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt as though I were transported behind some other person's eyes for the night, living someone else's life. I don't really know how both lives can exist as one in the same, home and school. They are mutually exclusive, and one fades in the presence of another.
This glass transition makes me feel uneasy. Moments like this make me want to weep. But I think that's the problem in itself, the fact that I'm so stagnant all the time, so immobile. Perhaps none of this is really sad at all, and I just need to remind myself of this great big world that we are all a part of, and all the great big important aspects of my life. I do not lead two lives, they are not mutually exclusive. I have been to new places and I will continue to venture to new places, all with the knowledge that I am allowed to move back every once in a while and look through both sides of the glass.
