God, my heart is tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m giving, and giving, and giving, until I’m empty and there’s no one to fill me up. There’s no one to reach out to me, to pour their love into my tired hands, to lift my aching spirit.
Sometimes I feel like I care too much. Like I chase the wrong things. Like I let people take advantage of me because I’m not strong enough to turn away. I feel like I don’t know when to stop, when to walk away, when to let life happen as it’s meant to. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying, so hard, to do everything right, to make sense of what happens, to be a good person, but ultimately, I end up broken and tired. And then my faith starts to shake. And then, suddenly, I can’t remember who I am anymore, or what you want from me.And I don’t want to live like that anymore. I don’t want to spend my days agonizing over what I can’t control. I don’t want to lay awake at night wondering about the ‘could-haves,’ ‘should-haves.’ I don’t want to wish away what’s right in front of me, searching for something else. I don’t want to give myself to someone, only to be left with nothing. I don’t want to feel so defeated, so purposeless, so lost. God, I want to feel your presence, because honestly, I know that you’re here. I know that your warmth is shining down on me, that your light is guiding my path. I know that each step I take is guided by you. I know that you’re with me and I don’t have to fear. But sometimes I get so caught up in the ways of the world. I count my own strength as everything, and forget that I’m imperfect and I need you.
I get so focused on my selfishness, on what I think I deserve, on what I don’t yet have, so much so, that I forget all the blessings you’ve given me. I forget who you’ve been in my life, how you’ve never left my side, how you are my almighty God, and nothing will ever change that. When I’m lying in bed at night, I try to focus on you. I try to remember your promise to me, to all of us that you’re never leaving but sometimes it’s so hard to believe what I can’t see. You’ve told me a hundred times before to trust you. But trust is my biggest struggle. How can I trust when sometimes I feel so alone? How can I trust when I’m not sure of the outcome? How can I trust when I don’t have the answers and feel powerless to what’s coming? I know you’ve promised to stay by my side. And I know you never promised me a perfect life. But sometimes when I lie awake, I wonder if I’ll ever truly feel at peace. I wonder if I’ll ever have the strength to let go of what I can’t control and give that fear and anxiety to you. I think too much, God. I know you know this. I know you see the running thoughts in my head and you probably laugh because they’re so silly. I worry over things that haven’t happened yet. I worry over relationships and friendships. I worry over words I’ve said or didn’t say. I worry whether I could have changed moments in my past or made something different happen.
The problem is, many of those moments are come and gone. The problem is, I’m letting what’s behind ruin what’s in front of me. The problem is, there’s nothing I can do to go back and erase what was. I can only focus on what is. Please take my worried mind and calm it, take my angry heart and soften it, take my shaky hands and calm them with your grace. Remind me that I do not have control of what happens in this life, but I do have a choice in how I react. I do have a choice in how I trust you and let your work be done in my life. Please take whatever doubts I have and crush them. When I feel weak, remind me of my power in your arms. When I am tired, show me that I can continue on. When I’m wide awake, letting my mind spin in circles, help me give all that to you. And help me let what’s meant to happen, happen. Show me that it’s okay. I forget, God. I forget how powerful you are. I forget that you’re always here. I forget that you promised you would stay, through thick and thin, high or low. So instead of carrying these burdens, instead of trying to fight these battles on my own, instead of acting like I have everything under control when I’m totally crumbling on the inside show me that I am not weak for letting you take the reins. Please keep me from wandering away from you. Please keep me from losing faith when I’m frightened. You are here, always. And I know this. So help me to trust when the road is tough, help me to see that I’m never alone and there’s no need to let my mind run in circles. The only direction I should be running is closer and closer to you.
