To The Girl Who Copes With Her Feelings By Eating, This One Is For You

To The Girl Who Copes With Her Feelings By Eating, This One Is For You

I no longer want to find comfort in a fast food bag I want to deal with it and move on.

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For my whole life, I have always referred to myself as someone who doesn't show emotions. I even make the occasionally heartless joke to try and weed out my insecurity about it. But, towards the end of this year, I had an epiphany about myself and my emotions. I do show emotions, I show them through eating.

I'm not saying I am someone who binge eats and does so because they are bored it's nothing like that. Whenever I am having a moment or a period of time where my emotions are running high, instead of communicating them I eat. For anyone who has a hard time showing emotions or is like me and does not completely, then you know how uncomfortable you become when you start to feel heavy emotions. I literally start to cringe at the thought of someone seeing me show emotions, or me having to feel them in front of someone.

I started to notice the more I thought about it that I was really only eating at certain points in the day. And by eating I mean shoving my face full of unhealthy foods. I was never eating meals at the time of a normal person, instead, I was eating when it related to how I was feeling. And each time this happened I wasn't reaching for a juicy apple or lush green salad, I was ordering Taco Bell or a Pizza.

Half of the time I wasn't even hungry. Usually, I will feel just out of sorts and food is the first thing to come to my mind. And in that moment it does make me feel better even if it's only for a short time span. So that's probably why I keep going back to it. For that short release of happiness through comforting food.

The first time I noticed this was late at night after a terrible day. Instead of just going to bed, binge watching a show or anything else, I went down to the kitchen and made food. If I was feeling really low I may have even left the house to go pick something up. Another time I noticed this was early in the morning. When I was on my way to work, class or whatever else and I was started to get very anxious about the day ahead of me. So this always leads me to a drive through grabbing a quick and extremely unhealthy breakfast.

Coming to this realization lead to many days of self-reflection. Was this something that was okay to do? Could I do it in a healthier way? What was wrong with me?

But when I finally got everything out of my head and came to terms with my flaw I realized it would be okay. I just had to deal with my emotions better. Which I know, is easier said than done. But seeing what I was doing at least showed me I need to find another outlet because eating to make me feel better wasn't the answer.

With the new year ringing in I know the cliche thing is the whole 'new year new me' thing. This is not what that is. I did not come to terms with this because I want to lose weight or change everything about me, but because I want to live a more fulfilling life. I no longer want to find comfort in a fast food bag I want to deal with it and move on. Not bottle everything up and eat it away one chip at a time.

This wasn't about me losing weight and being the socially acceptable definition of what I should look like, this was for me. This was for my mental wellbeing not the approval of others. Maybe they do correlate a little bit, in the sense eating better will make your body look and feel better as well and who doesn't enjoy that? I'm not saying I'm going all natural and never eating anything greasy in my entire life but I don't want to do it as a 5th meal when I'm not in good spirits or struggling.

This year I will not be a new me, I will continue to be the woman I am. I like who I am, but everyone can improve in some way for their own good. I will not resort to food when I am struggling with understanding my emotions instead I will work on them. Will this be an overnight process? Absolutely not, but being aware that it needs to change is a start.

I know it will always be a life long struggle to learn to deal with my emotions especially coming to terms with knowing it is okay to show them. But, I think this is the first step to doing that. I will try to not show my feelings to food and instead try taking steps forward to showing them to people. Food may be very comforting and an easy go to it is not the answer, it will not solve your problems. It may seem like it does at the moment but that is only temporary.

If you are feeling this way you are not alone. You are beautiful as you are and you DO NOT have to change. But just know you are able if you want to. You do have the ability to make a change and do not have to feel alone. Whatever your outlet or comfort zone is, just know there are other choices than food. There are healthier and more beneficial things that will make your mind, body, and soul feel more at ease.

We can take the time to work on our emotions but don't waste that time eating it away!

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What Losing Someone To Suicide Really Feels Like.

In Loving Memory of Andrew Allen Boykin (1997-2015)

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A word that describes what it feels like to lose someone to suicide? That doesn't exist. It's actually a whole jumbled up pool of emotions. Almost unbearable comes to mind, but that still doesn't quite cover it. You never think it'll happen to someone you know, much less a family member.

Let me start off by telling you about my experience. I was up late one night studying for a big nursing test I had the next morning. My phone started ringing, and I automatically assumed it was my boyfriend who knew I would still be up at midnight. It wasn't, though. It was my mother, who usually goes to bed before 10 every night. I knew something bad had happened.

"Mama, what's wrong?" I could hear her crying already. "Baby, Andrew shot himself," my mother then told me. I flooded her with questions. Where? Is he okay? Why was he playing around with a gun this late? What happened? She then said, "No, baby, he killed himself."

Disbelief

Disbelief was my first reaction. No, that couldn't be true. Not my Andrew. Not my 17-year-old, crazy, silly, cousin Andrew. Not the kid who eats sour Skittles while we walk through Walmart and then throws away the pack before we get to the register. Not the kid who, while we all lay in the floor in Grandma's living room, is constantly cracking jokes and telling us stories about how he's a real ladies' man. This can't be real. I'm gonna go home and it is all just gonna be a mix-up.

Confusion

It wasn't, though. I sat in the home of my grandparents, with the rest of my family, confused. We tried to go over what could have caused him to do it. Was it a girl? Did we do something wrong? He acted normal. Nothing seemed off, but I guess nobody will ever truly know.

Anger

For a minute there I was mad. How could he do this? Did he not know what this would do to everyone? So many people loved him. I just couldn't understand, but I wasn't Andrew. How could I understand?

Regret

Regret was my next feeling. Why didn't I do more? What could I have done? How did I not notice he was hurting so bad? There wasn't anyone who knew, though. For the longest time, I told myself that I should have texted him more or just made sure he knew I loved him. In the end, I always realize that there wasn't anything I could have done and that he knew I loved him.

Pain

The funeral was almost insufferable. A church filled with people who loved Andrew. People that would never get to see him or hear his laugh again. The casket was closed and the whole time all I could think about was how I just wanted to hold his hand one last time. My brother, who spent almost every weekend with Andrew since they were little, didn't even want to go inside. They were only a year and a half apart. At one point he just fell to the ground in tears. This kind of pain is the heart-breaking kind. The pain of picking a 15-year-old off the ground when he hurts so bad he can't even go on anymore.


Heartache

This led to heartache. I thought so much about how his life was way too short. He would never get to graduate high school or go to college. He would never get his first grown-up job. He'd never get married or have children. Dwelling on these thoughts did some major damage to my heart. We missed him. We wanted him back, but we could never go back to how things were.

Numbness

For a while after, I could honestly say I was numb. It had hurt so much I think my body shut down for a little while. That disbelief would pop up again and I would forget it was real. I'd try to block out the reminders but that doesn't really work. Every time I see sour Skittles I think about him, or wear this certain pair of earrings he'd always try to get me to give him.

Longing

This past week marked a whole year since he passed away. What am I feeling now? Still all of these things plus a little more. Longing is a good word. I miss him every day and wish so much that he was still here with us. I'll see little reminders of him and smile or laugh. We had so many good memories, and I could never forget those or him. That's what I cling to now. That was my Andrew.


In Loving Memory of Andrew Allen Boykin (1997-2015)

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."


If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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My Top 5 Foods For My Fellow Poor People

The struggle is real, but hunger doesn't have to be.

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Ahh, money. Although we don't need it for happiness, we do need it to survive.

Food, water, and shelter are our keys to survival for the human race. Water is usually abundant, shelter depends on where you are in the world, but food, oh food is quite needed, especially for you 18-24-year-olds out there.

However, being broke and trying to eat can be a struggle sometimes. However, now as a postgrad one year later, I am still with you folks on the broke person train. There are foods you can at your local grocery store that won't break the bank, and I am here to disclose that info with ya'll. Alright now, listicle time, let's do it.

1. Eggs.

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Eggs are one of the best foods in general, don't @ me bro. Seriously, how many things can you make that involve eggs? The possibilities are endless. Plus, it's eggs, they never really break the bank anyways, and it's an acceptable meal at any given point of the day.

2. Pasta.

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Since any type of pasta by itself has no flavoring, you have to provide it yourself, and once again, the possibilities are endless with what you can do with it. The beauty of pasta is that at any given point of the week, your local grocery store will probably be having some sort of sale on pasta, and you must take advantage when this moment comes. Pasta being very filling is also a bonus so that just helps even more.

3. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches.

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Since it was introduced to the World Fair in 1904, the cult classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich has become immortalized in western cultures. Seriously though, who can hate on something so simple yet so effective? An excellent source of protein, it's filling, plus no one will really judge you for having multiple amounts of these because you simply can't go wrong making these. If you do have a peanut allergy though, that's okay, there are still other foods on the list.

4. Cereal.

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Yet another of those foods that are perfectly acceptable at any given point of the day, getting multiple boxes of cereal for yourself is also a move. Again, no one should judge you for having cereal for dinner, if they are, you don't need that negativity in your life. Just be sure to choose a good tasting cereal as you're probably gonna be having it for a good while.

5. Rice.

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Rice, the food that just keeps on giving, and the staple of my Asian household. Rice goes great with anything, let's be real here. I am a white rice guy, but brown rice is more healthy for you, but any of the two works fine. You can buy rice in bulk and stock up on it, and you can definitely live on it for a while, just make sure to have something with it to make a little more exciting.

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