To the girl who thinks she doesn’t deserve forgiveness,
I’m right there with you; I know how it feels. Self-improvement is hard, and self-forgiveness is even harder, especially today where young people's mistakes are publicly broadcasted and humiliated on a daily basis. We live in a culture that demands that we be constantly reminded of our wrongdoings. Whatever yours may be, you might be feeling like you don't deserve to be forgiven, be it by yourself, the people you've let down, or even God Himself (He totally forgives you and loves you, by the way, but more on that later). You might think you’ve messed up so badly that you’ve ruined any chances of fixing your relationships and friendships. You are finally coming to terms with your past, and you're convinced that whatever you’ve done is unforgivable. You lay awake at night, desperately hoping that whatever you’ve done would magically be repaired the next morning. Whatever stage you’re at right now, there’s no denying that it’s a horrible feeling to think that you messed up beyond the point of redemption or forgiveness.
But, you haven’t, though.
Maybe it’s beyond forgiveness for the people you’ve wronged. After a certain point, it’s out of your control, and sometimes, the most mature thing you can do is leave them alone to carry on their lives. Sometimes, you realize the amount of people who you hurt (and have left your life as a result), and it will feel daunting. It might make you feel like you’re incapable of change, but you’re not. Sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom multiple times and be called out (or called in) multiple times before they realize what they’re doing and start to make real changes. It took me three lost best friends, a lost boyfriend, and countless people’s respect before I truly understood something was wrong with my behavior. If you’re reading this, chances are that you have recognized something wrong too. You may have been stubborn and resilient to change up until this point, but know that God can turn that into patience and strength if you let Him.
The hardest part about forgiving yourself is accepting that you can’t undo most, if any, of the damage you’ve done. It’s accepting that an apology doesn’t mean forgiveness from others, and that forgiveness doesn’t mean everything gets to go back to the way it was. If you were sincere in your apology, then, in the end, no matter where you stand with anyone else, God forgives you. Losing people can hurt so much, but God’s love can take that pain away and motivate you to change if you let it.
Acknowledging that you have done wrong to people you considered yourself close with multiple times can also be really hard (and I mean really, really hard). Sometimes, coming to that big realization that, “I did something wrong a bunch of times and I thought it was totally okay and justifiable” is a hard pill to swallow, an even harder pill than accepting that you’ve lost good relationships. It is the first step to change, the step you take beyond apologizing and hoping for forgiveness, and sometimes it takes a while. That is okay. A slow pace to change is better than no change at all.
Know that whatever you did, however bad society wants to make you feel, you’re worth it. You are not beyond redemption. You have your whole life ahead of you to become something better. You will have so many opportunities to make new friends and build new, healthy relationships. No matter how much you messed up in the past, you have the opportunity to learn and change for the better from it. You are always loved and there is always room for forgiveness.
Sincerely,
The girl who’s on a journey of self-improvement.
