Look, I know you probably feel weird reading this article. I know it means you're admitting something to yourself that you just might not be ready to fully acknowledge yet. I, on the other hand, fell down this particular spiral a few summers ago when I caught a "Fast and Furious" movie marathon on USA Network.
Vin Diesel was always in my periphery, of course. I hadn't been living in a world without him. I could recognize him, his imposing stature and bald head. I could probably even tell you a couple movies he'd been in. But I simply hadn't realized just how empty my life was without fully immersing myself in the wonders of Vin Diesel. However, after that "F&F" marathon, I found my fate settled (or, should I say, "F8"? Sorry).
I can't tell you what drew me to him in the first place. I guess there's just something magnetic about him. Maybe it's that deep voice. Or maybe it's the muscles. Or maybe it's the fact that just about any movie he's ever been in has not been remotely tethered to reality whatsoever and I have been blessed with incredible visuals like him jumping out of a car and catching Michelle Rodriguez mid-air or skiing down a transformer and skateboarding off the side of a moving bus. Who in their right mind wouldn't be charmed by that?
What I can tell you now, though, is that I don't ever want to live in a world without him. You can laugh at me all you want, but I bet deep down you feel the same. You wanna live a life without Xander Cage? Without Dominic Toretto? Without Riddick? Without Groot? I think the hell not.
But you know what really did me in? A couple weeks ago, I rewatched "The Pacifier." As a kid, it's easy to watch that movie and laugh at the big silly bald man teaching a bunch of tiny girl scouts how to defend themselves. As a 21-year-old woman, I can tell you that I have very different feelings about watching Vin Diesel raise those kids. I have no maternal bone in my body. I have never wanted children of my own. But after watching that beautiful bulky man carry those tiny children around in both arms and in a baby carrier strapped to that rippling back, you bet your ass I want that man to give me children of my own. In fact, I'm convinced I won't ever actually want kids unless they're Vin Diesel's.
At this point, I'm plagued with knowing that no other man on this earth will get me feeling like Vin Diesel does (except maybe Dwayne Johnson. But that's for another article). I'm going to have to live the rest of my life unfulfilled, living vicariously through his on-screen love interests. Or, his actual wife, I guess.
Whatever, I just hope Vin Diesel is happy, you know? It's not his fault that I'm doomed to lifelong heartache. He doesn't know the power he possesses. And I hope you all can take this position, too. After all, isn't love all about putting their happiness above your own? As long as that man is living a happy, action-packed, adrenaline-fueled life, jumping off buildings and driving expensive cars through multiple skyscrapers, I'm happy.
