In middle school, I had the biggest crush on a boy that spanned for about two years. All I wanted was for him to sit with me at lunch and IM message me after school. One day in sixth grade, this boy came up to me as I was walking out to recess and said those five little words that made my 11 year old heart flutter. "Do you wanna go out?" he asked, smiling. Being the flirt that I was, I decided to play hard to get and responded no. He walked back to his friends and I remember feeling so prideful and happy that he liked me and I had turned him down. I was the wanted one now! I walked outside beaming and feeling on cloud nine, until I heard him ask another girl. And another. And all the girls in my class. Turns out, him and his group of friends were asking girls out as a joke. I was crushed, and went to the bathroom and cried, feeling like a joke and embarrassed that I was so excited.
I've never had a boyfriend. Sure I've had "things" or "talked" to guys (whatever those ambiguous 21st century terms mean), but never a real relationship.
When I was younger, starting with the incident with the love of my middle school life, I was extremely insecure about it. Going through junior high up through high school, my friends were all adorable and were kissing their football player boyfriend after a game or texting about 8 guys at once. Watching girls jump from relationship to relationship or being pursued by multiple guys at once led my young teenage self esteem to fall at a quick and steady pace, as I waited for a cute boy to make me him #wcw or ask me to the movies.
"Why don't boys like me?" Was a question I asked myself frequently.
So, I started picking myself apart.
"I'm too tall"
"I'm not skinny"
"I'm not pretty"
"I'm too weird"
I began to find flaws in what I believed was setting me back from finding my "high school sweetheart." Looking back, I placed so much of how I felt about myself on what I believed guys thought of me and how I wanted to be viewed. This wasn't healthy behavior; it was self destructive.
Those negative thoughts I had about myself could've consumed me and been my identity, but instead I found an outlet. I began turning my writings into songs and getting approval through that. It was then I began to take compliments and realize what talents I possessed and what made me unique. I realized what God had blessed me with and who I was. I began to see my worth, and began to really love myself and appreciate what I had to offer.
I began to see that what made me different from my friends who had boyfriends weren't flaws, but just what made me, me. I didn't have to fit into this mold that I had created in my head to be worthy of being looked at. We all want to be wanted, to feel loved, to feel complete. But with this need we shouldn't have to give up a part of us to gain the approval of others.
I want to encourage all girls, in a relationship or not, to realize their worth. Realize what you have to offer as an individual instead of seeking completion from someone else. Don't find your identity in someone else. We're all flawed, and we are all different. Being different does not mean you're wrong or unworthy. These things make you unique.
Sure, sometimes I struggle with being the third wheel - and that's okay. But it's not my identity. I'm made for so much more. You are made for so much more. Don't let your self worth depend on if he texted you back or not. Be patient.
You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are so loved.
