All my life, I have struggled to quit anything. It doesn’t matter if I lose sleep or sanity in order to finish everything--if I committed to something, I have to ride it out. No matter what.

For a long time, I attributed this to my work ethic. I was willing to put in the hours needed to make anything work, and I saw that as a strength. I saw myself as a reliable workhorse and an asset to a team. Now I’m starting to realize that this isn’t always the truth.

I fear leaving things behind. I am not afraid that a group will fail without my help; instead, I fear that my presence will not be missed. If I am not missed after leaving, did my presence ever matter? Did I make a difference? In my mind, the answer is no.

I want to be the person that others rely on. I want others to feel my influence. I want to be the person that anyone can turn to at any time and know that I will be there to help them as best as I can.

What I can do for others will always outrank what I can do for myself. Always. And that is why I can’t bear to leave things behind: what if I could have helped someone, but I excused myself from the picture? I would feel awful for not being there in their moment of need.

I know that there are people in this world who like me for what I do, not for who I am. That is why I can never turn away from obligations--I’m not sure who would be left in my corner if I stopped crafting projects, chairing meetings, and organizing get-togethers. I take the burden off of others, and that makes people like me. By lightening their load, I am strengthening my self-worth: if I can help this person, then they’ll like me more. They’ll appreciate me.

That is why I struggle to leave things in my wake. Relationships, clubs, activities, and teams may suffer, but I will always return just in time to repair the damage done in my absence. I hold onto experiences until they crumble in my too-tight grasp.

The truth is that I find validation in my commitments. Without overexerting myself, I don’t know that anyone would appreciate me for who I am. People are much quicker to appreciate acts than they are to appreciate people, and I am hyper-aware of this.

But I’m starting to realize that I can’t live like this for much longer. I’m wearing myself down. I’m becoming less effective in my helpfulness because I haven’t been taking care of myself first. For so long, I thought that taking care of others would help me take care of myself. And it does--but it’s not enough. I need to look out for myself, too. And I know that those of you out there who are feeling the same way need to hear that, too.

Take care of yourself. Sleep. Turn off your phone. Ignore the world for five seconds while you laugh with your friends. Remember that there is more to life than doing things for everyone else.