I'm the girl that's hardly ever someone's first choice.
Sometimes I feel like I will forever be in this limbo of being the second choice to everyone around me. Nobody can really tell me why I'm not their first choice; when I ask guys who I like why they don't like me back, they can't explain it. It's always "there's nothing wrong with you, I just like you more as a friend."
I have very few people in my life who I feel like won't ditch me for something better. Most people only use me until they find someone more entertaining or fun. I've had friends hang out with me until they had other friends get out of class or work, and then they go hang out with them. It's annoying as heck because I don't understand why this keeps happening to me, especially when I try so hard to be good to people.
In the past couple years, I've made an effort to communicate when I feel like I'm being pushed aside. While I don't believe in shaming people for their feelings, I will try to force myself to voice when it feels like someone is using me until something or someone better comes along. It's a super hard concept to follow because I'm naturally pretty agreeable; I don't really love confrontation and given the chance, I'll usually avoid it. I try super hard to keep people as happy as possible; this is usually to the detriment of my own happiness and sanity.
I want to be someone's first choice. I want to feel like someone genuinely wants to be around me. I want to feel like someone puts the same amount of energy and effort into a friendship as I do. I want them to be around me because they genuinely like me as a person and not because of the perceived value of something that I do/say/think.
I genuinely care about people. I love my few friends who always make me feel loved and remind me that I'm a first choice in their lives. Unfortunately, it's taken way too long for this to happen and I worry that it will be a lifetime before I find that type of loyalty and love again.
I'm optimistic though. I believe that someday I will find a man who will pick me as his first choice. I'll stop acquainting with people who are using me and find more friends who make me a first choice.
I'm hopeful. I'm a first choice. I know it.
