If it has happened to one of us, it has happened to us all. You’re sitting quietly at Christmas dinner trying to soak in the holiday spirit, when suddenly, there’s a lull in the conversation. Of all the things that could be said to fill the uncomfortable silence, your redneck uncle dabs the gravy out of his beard and declares, “You know what? I think this Donald Trump guy could really be on to something!” He proceeds to make an unfortunate number of racist, sexist and xenophobic comments that make you want to slither under your seat and hide until the New Year. Meanwhile, your brother’s hippie girlfriend pushes her plate of tofurky aside and attempts to explain to your uncle why she believes that the white, capitalist heteropatriarchy in our nation should be dissolved immediately. Soon enough, a brawl has broken loose, filled with hurt feelings, vegan holiday delicacies and a few hairs from your uncle’s beard sprawled across the table.
OK, so maybe things aren’t quite this extreme. My family happens to be composed of very reasonable people, so I’ve never actually had the pleasure of witnessing such a scene. But for many families with individuals of diverse walks of life, the holidays can be a time of great discomfort when contentious topics surface. While there’s certainly a time and a place to discuss differences, the holidays are a time to focus on the love and kinship families share, rather than areas of political and religious disagreement. Here’s a gingerbread man’s guide to help you make sure your family gatherings stay peaceful and respectful this holiday season.
Use your eyes to see differing points of view.
Some family members will express thoughts that you’ll never in six million years agree with and that’s OK. Nonetheless, trying to see where he or she is coming from will help you open your mind and strengthen your own beliefs. We are all shaped by differing backgrounds and experiences. As hard as it might seem, try to keep that in mind and appreciate your loved ones where they are.
You have two ears and one mouth, so try to listen twice as much as you speak.
Sometimes people say things that really are cringe-worthy, but more often than not, arguments arise from misunderstandings. You might think your third cousin twice-removed just said that he thinks that women belong in the house, but you may have missed that the conversation was about his belief that women are underrepresented in the political sphere and totally belong in the senate as well. Take a deep breath and make sure you’ve listened to the context of a comment before you fling your pumpkin pie across the table.
If you decide that it’s necessary and beneficial, speak up, change the subject, or both!
If a comment made or topic brought up truly makes you wince, try to find a compassionate and respectful way to speak up. But before you decide to lash out in frustration, formulate a thoughtful and reasoned response to the topic at hand. Something along the lines of, “Well, Uncle Larry, while I appreciate your concerns about national security, I’m not really sure that it’s OK to make generalizations about an entire religious group based on the actions of a few extremists. How’s the soccer team you’re coaching doing?” This should keep tensions at bay, but if it doesn’t...at least you tried.
Remember that no matter what, your family will always hold a special place in your heart.
Despite the differences you might have with your family members, they will always be an important part of who you are. Just like anyone else, they’re flawed humans who need your empathy. Try to focus less on what separates you and more on what you have in common. Take the opportunity that the holidays provide to share memories and make new ones. The only controversy you really need at your holiday gathering is whose pie recipe is the best and who is the family’s reigning scrabble champion. When it’s all said and done, the bond you share with your family is what matters most.
