You hear a lot of talk about depression, but if you haven’t had this awful disease, then you don’t completely understand it.
I wish I was one of those people who didn’t understand what it was like to go through it, but I am. It is truly the worst thing I have had to deal with, and I struggled with it for six years. It may be something I wish I never had to go through but it has taught me to really enjoy the life I have and to not take it for granted. I still have my battles, yes, but it’s not constant anymore.
It started when I was a freshman in high school. And, of course, a lot of it stemmed from this certain boy, although that’s not the only reason. I went through freshman year like a zombie. I really didn’t care about anything. I went from an honor student to failing classes. The only class I actually did good in was geography because I’m a history nerd. I played volleyball but that’s only because I had to force myself to do it. But at the same time, I lost the love and interest I had for it, just like I did everything else. After freshman year, I came out to be homeschooled, thinking maybe that will help. It did, but not enough.
Staying home every day, doing the same thing over and over again, only gave me more time to sit and think about things that had never crossed my mind before. I got distant, I stopped hanging with friends, and I did nothing. I finally came to the point where I knew I had to get out, so I got a job working at the local library. For two and a half hours of the day, I was a busybody.
Two and a half hours of nothing but working, and that certainly helped, for that little bit of time.
A couple years pass and I’m finally a senior. Applying to colleges, working my butt off, saving money(sort of). And then I finally find someone who I thought I was going to spend a fairly good amount of time with. But we all have those thoughts when we meet someone, right? In my case, that didn’t go the way I planned.
The whole time, there was nothing but drama, and lies, and him running around on me. Which ultimately led to the worst day of my life. December 14th, 2016, I hit my all time low. And I won’t get graphic, but there was self-harm involved, something I never thought I would get to. But it happened, and I can’t take it back. It was the worst day, but a learning lesson, too. From that day on, I vowed to myself, that I would NEVER let someone get me that low again.
Months pass, and here I am, at college. I am finally living now. And I say that with complete honesty. I have a good group of friends, and I’m finally on the road to be a teacher, which is what I’ve always dreamed about. I wrote this article to say that it does get better. In time, you will be living your best life again. I did this by myself, but you don’t have to. If you are struggling, there is no shame in asking for help.
And I still have my days, everyone does. But there’s not a constant dark cloud looming over my head now. I can go out and have fun with my friends and not have to fake it anymore. I have everything to live for. I have the cutest nephew in the world, I have real friends, and I'm working towards getting my degree.
So yes, I have depression, but at the same time, I'm not depressed. I’m genuinely happy for the first time in six years and I’m not letting depression take that away from me again.