I was in an abusive relationship for close to two years, from my junior year of high school until my freshman year of college. All this did was kill my self-esteem and hurt me.
Over the summer I messaged him on Facebook because I wanted to take my power back. I wanted to tell him a big FUCK YOU. This is what I said:
"I just wanted to tell you that what you did to me was insanely fucked up. Everything you did screamed emotional abuse. You scared me. You hurt me. You would constantly put me down til the point where I barely had any self-esteem by the time I finally broke it off. For over a year of our relationship, you were abusive and manipulative and scary. When I said I didn't want to have sex, you would get me drunk just to do it.
By the way, lying to someone to take their virginity is also majorly fucked up. Constantly telling me you'd kill yourself, constantly putting me down, and constantly getting mad at me because I was having a life. You got mad at me senior year for wanting to spend my weekends with my mommom. WHO ALMOST DIED. Like wtf kind of person does that?? You ruined my senior prom. You ruined a lot of things for me. I lost all of my friends because of you. When we broke up you were a fucking creepy stalker that would get mad at me for doing what you said.
It was creepy and manipulative to send me all of those emails, letters, and gifts. I was scared to go to Philly or be in Bensalem because I could have had the chance to see you. But you know what. I got over that. I have a great life right now, with the best boyfriend of a year and a half. Who actually treats me like I'm a human being and like he loves me as much as I love him. I'm killing it in school. I have the most amazing friends.
I am happy. I've done so much for myself and I've come a long way since you fucked me up. I have one more year to graduate, and I have a 3.7 right now. I have my own apartment that I pay for all by myself. I cut off people that I never thought I could. I'm doing great. You taught me what I never want in a relationship or friendship and that I am strong enough to get out of anything. I hope you never get the chance to do that to any other girl again."
He responded: "I'm glad you are doing well for yourself. Your gonna do some great things for people and in the NICU (if you still strive in for that) once finish your studies. Go live your life worry-free and use this to justify yourself that you can do anything you put your mind too no matter what happened in the past. If our paths do cross in the future, I hope that it's possible to have a conversation on the things we are of proud in our lives. For now, go finish what you started and kill at WCU"
First, can we go over the amount of fucking grammar/spelling mistakes this has???
Also, what the fuck does any of that mean? Like why are you being philosophical? In that, he admitted that he was wrong without outrightly saying it. Why even respond when its something like that? Why?
Recently I saw his friend and had a panic attack. It's scary to bring up trauma from your past. Past people who remind you of it, something you see/hear that reminds you of it. It is a scary thing and it hurts even years down the line. It will be 3 years since I broke up with him and I just got over all the insecurities he placed on me. I finally am not scared to be with anyone.
For a year, I kept picking guys that were just a fun time instead of a long time. I did this to get the complete opposite of what I had with my ex. We planned out our lives together so I wanted the opposite. I got drunk a lil' often (mostly in spite of him because he said I couldn't drink with my guy friends if he wasn't around), I tried weed for the first time and smoked a decent amount with one of my boy toys, I even tried Xanax once. I just wanted to be completely different than the girl my ex knew. I wanted to find myself. And to be honest, I needed to lose myself to find myself again.
It was a long process and hard, but I did it. I feel confident in how I am, I feel independent. I used to straighten my hair because my ex said I looked best that way, I didn't get my nose pierced because he told me I couldn't. He wasn't my boyfriend. He was my father.
I thought that all of these were normal, I was so very wrong.
He isolated me from everyone and made me into an insecure, lonely, powerless girl. It took a lot of time to not feel like that.
I think that my abusive relationship did help me though, it helped me realize what I wanted in a guy and what a good relationship should feel like.