Hello, everyone. This week, I'm going to talk about something personal that, outside of a small number of select and trusted people, I haven't mentioned to anyone. Because I didn't know how to tell some people about this, I decided that the easiest way for me to go about it was to write. I'm not entirely sure how personal this is going to get, but either way, I appreciate you sticking it out with me.

For several years now, I've struggled with more emotional and mental difficulties than I'd be comfortable admitting. Up until recently, I'd never been diagnosed by an expert, but as anyone who experiences things like anxiety or depression will tell you: You know when you experience it. You just know. And I always did. Whether I wanted to admit it to myself (and others) or not. Like most people, I just dealt with it and told myself that I could just handle it on my own. "There are people worse off than me who power through it. I can too," I'd tell myself. That is, until a few months ago.

Starting over this past summer, things seemed to feel progressively worse. I'd failed, yet again, to successfully secure work in my hometown, making it increasingly difficult to face questions from family and friends, and to a certain extent, even look them in the eye. Because I felt that I'd failed to such an extreme measure, I began to perceive (or imagine) that everyone I talked to was conscious of my failings and missteps just as much as I was. I started comparing myself to other people I knew, people I'd only heard about, and even every single one of my partner's friends or acquaintances. As far as I was concerned, pretty much everyone in the world that I or someone I knew was associated with was leaps and bounds ahead of me in every walk of life.

This reached a point where, at the beginning of September, I had a panic attack just being near my partner's coworkers as I tried to help her move into her dorm. This resulted in me breaking down and sobbing on her bedroom floor as I tried to explain what I'd been feeling. By the time I'd calmed down, I'd made her promise to make me get help the next time something similar happened.

And something did. I kept comparing myself to her friends and even her as I just loathed myself more each day. It had only been a couple of weeks before I visited her again and, you guessed it, broke down again. And like I'd requested, she told me that I needed to try and talk to someone and see if it helped me. And so, because my mental and emotional health had begun to so frequently affect our relationship, I begrudgingly accepted.

I was extremely fortunate that my school offers free counseling for students here on campus because if I'd had to pay the chances of being going would have been far lower. And so, I went for the first time near the end of September, uncertain what to expect. On my first visit, I talked to whatever counselor was available to get a read on where I was mentally and emotionally at that moment. After around an hour and, luckily, only one instance of her having to remind me to "breathe and slow down", she determined that it sounded like I was "experiencing some depression" and she recommended I return for an actual appointment.

So the following week, I arrived again at the health and wellness center to meet with my therapist Andrew. And, immediately, he was one of the most personable people I've ever met, and my personality worked really well wth his which made the next eleven weeks far easier.

Essentially, the objective of my visits was as follows: 1) Find out where my opinions and views of myself originated from. 2) Learn to identify my feelings more specifically and accurately. And 3) Find ways to combat negative thoughts in my daily life. And luckily, I was able to accomplish all three of these things in the weeks between the end of September and the beginning of December.

We were able to trace my views of myself back to (as stereotypical as it sounds) different childhood events and conversations between friends or family members. Which, shockingly, helped me make sense of a lot of the things I felt to know where they originated from. In a similar vein, learning how to more accurately identify emotions in and of themselves also helped me to realize how to deal with them in a better, more productive way.

Most importantly, however, was the cognitive therapy that Andrew helped me learn how to do on my own which, quite simply, consisted of reinforcing positive thoughts until they replaced negative ones. This included catching myself anytime I said or thought anything negative about myself and turning it into something positive. For example, if I spilled my coffee and called myself an idiot for it, I'd have to actively notice and, instead, say something like "No you aren't. It's a simple mistake. It happens to everyone. You're okay." until those thoughts became automatic. This even included creating posters with positive reinforcement on them and placing them on my walls in places that I couldn't hep but look so that I'd always be subconsciously taking in those positive ideas. And as crazy as it sounds, it actually worked for me and continues to. Don't get me wrong, it's hard as Hell, but it works.

I was extremely lucky that a simple cognitive therapy worked for me. So many people have to search for more pharmaceutical methods because they're in far worse situations than I am. I would never claim to be among the worst cases because I simply wasn't. I was just fortunate that my partner was able to help me make the steps to start going to therapy and even more fortunate that I had someone like Andrew who truly understood where I was at and what could help me.

Truly, therapy changed my life. While I still have bad days (as everyone does), the good ones far outweigh them now so long as I continue to remember the things Andrew taught me. But most importantly, if you're someone who find themselves dealing with excessive stress, sadness, frustration, depression, or anxiety, I highly, highly encourage you to find a professional to talk to as soon as you can. Even if simple counseling doesn't quite do it for you, most therapists can point you in the direction of someone or something else that can, and that's better than nothing at all.

It's okay to admit that we need help sometimes. We're all better off for it.

As always, thank you for reading. I hope this helped you.