Coffee With My First Love

Coffee With My High School Crush

I reconnected with the guy I was head over heels for in high school and it didn't go as planned at all...


I wasn't a crazy fangirl of every hot guy that passed me by in high school. In fact, I was more interested in hearing other girls fangirling than actually experiencing it myself. But there was this one guy. For all intended purposes I am calling him Mr. Loverboy.

Mr. Loverboy was not your typical jock. He was a jock plus some. He was (and totally still is) a tall, muscled man with cute freckles and some flaming red hair. If K.J. Apa came to mind just now you would be on the right track. He was also the kindest guy I have ever met. He loved having intentional conversations and deep talks, and he was not afraid to show his emotions. He was 1 of 9 siblings, girls dominating that pack.

I started liking this guy 2nd semester of sophomore year. Our families have been friends since life began, so we grew up together, and that was my first problem. We were those "sibling friends." I hate being a sibling friend. Like, the competition around here is already hard enough, and now you want to compare me to your sister? So many girls liked him that I honestly didn't think I had a chance, so I never did anything about my feelings but talk my parents' ears off.

Recently, however, I went home from college for the weekend with my family to reunite with some of my high school pals, actually walk for my high school diploma (graduated early), and see my parents spend some much needed time with friends. As soon as I landed, this guy was on my mind. Literally being in the same state as him gives me the chills. I wasn't planning on reaching out to him cause we really weren't friends anymore, but that didn't stop me from thinking about him the whole time.

We had a pretty tight group of friends in high school and a lot of them were celebrating their own graduations with parties. While I was at one of these said parties, I bumped into a girlfriend of mine from high school who also took an interest in Mr. Loverboy. We were really close in high school, but I didn't dare tell her that I was in love with her one and only high school crush. Full disclosure, I was scared that it would ruin our friendship and I thought that she was way better than me.

After we talked for about an hour she brought him up in the conversation. She went as far as to pull me out of the circle of pals we were conversing with. I thought she was about to spill some serious tea about him, or worse, tell me they were dating. The only thing she had to say was that they got coffee together a few weeks back and it was really good. I texted him an hour later.

After some smoothly put together sentences, because I know he likes that, he said he would love to meet. My heart did about 235 back-flips.

When I saw him again, I tried to play it cool. I'm not cool. There is no cool coming from this girl. I was hot all over, tongue twisted and felt a little light headed. I was physically in danger because I could never get over this guy. He is a total jerk for being this hot and this nice.

Anyways, it didn't go as planned. My old bestie wanted to hang out at the same exact time and, when push came to shove, we all ended up at the same coffee shop together. She had also just walked off a plane from Seattle and all she wanted to do was catch up. She left him high and dry in the conversation, and it ended up being her and I that really caught up and him just sitting there on the sidelines. We went our separate ways and I felt like a loser for not trying to include him more in the conversation. I had a red-eye flight that night and sent him this text from my first layover:

Imessage ScreenshotVictoria Ramsdell

He replied that afternoon and thanked me for the coffee. He also said he enjoyed watching my old bestie and me together. He enjoyed our dynamic. Safe to say that is not what I wanted to hear from him. I guess it's just too early for him to say "I love you." Joking, but not really.

What I really wanted was to sit down with him and get to know him a little more. It didn't work out for us in high school, but we are in college now, and things are different. He grew up, and so did I, I think.

My dad says that distance doesn't matter and if it's gonna happen, then let's get this ball rolling. I, however, have been taught, by the same man who just said that, to let the guy pursue. If he doesn't, he ain't it sister.

So now I am sitting here writing it all out so I can get it out of my brain and stop thinking about him. I have thought less and less about him as the months have gone on. I have not seen him in almost a year, besides my recent three-way with him and my bestie. However, the old memories of us hanging out and climbing the Colorado Rockies still linger in my mind sometimes. There are so many things I want to ask him, so much of his heart that I long to know and learn about.

If it's not going to happen, and I have a nagging feeling that it probably won't, then I would love for my hear to move on. I have a lot of things in life that I need to heal and recover from, and overlapping all of that with feelings for a guy who no longer stands in my life just complicates things and makes my brain go fuzzy. I am working on my own healing right now, and moving on from him is involved in this process. He is a great guy, and that will never change. He was the first guy I really thought I could love, and that won't change either. He's not mine though, and that is a fact that I will have to breathe in and accept.

Acceptance isn't usually my cup of tea, but I am growing and learning. Learning to love myself as I am, take care of myself and listen to what I need. I am growing into a woman of God, growing into a future wife and mom, and whoever stands beside me as my husband will see that, even if it's not Mr. Loverboy (though it would be total coolness if it was him).

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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle – Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.

Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying.

What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense.

I've heard it all:

"He was cute, why didn't you like him?"

"You didn't even give him a chance!"

"You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous.

However, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.

I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well.

Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault.

If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention a girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs"

Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him.

If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking Snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it.

He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush.

Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling.

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Writing Saved My Sanity

Write it all down when you can't talk to anyone.


I love writing.

I have since elementary school, and I've dreamed of becoming a published author. I started off writing stupid plays in elementary school, then it grew it almost writing a full-blown novel in middle school. I have no idea where that thing went to. It was all notebook paper and bad writing. In high school, my writing was kinda pushed to the side so I could focus on school. When I entered college, I started writing small poems about my now ex-boyfriend.

I was scared to express myself to him sometimes, the intensity of my feelings for him scared me. So instead of telling him, I wrote them down. When I tried to share them with him, he hated it. He thought writing down feelings was weird and creepy. So I didn't share anything else with him. When we finally broke up for good, everything just poured out of me. What I couldn't express verbally, I wrote or typed out.

I always have ideas flowing through my head. They never cease and I wouldn't want them to. Writing gives me an escape, from stress, work, school, or fights. It gives me a place to vent and to be open with everything. This is a reason I love writing for Odyssey, not only has this place brought me amazing friends but revived my love for writing. I'm never without my notebook anymore, I'd get distracted in class by an idea and have to write I think then and there.

I love sharing my more personal writing with close friends, especially my poems as of late. I found that I have a voice for young women who find themselves in a toxic relationship much like mine was. I want to speak out and show them that you can grow from the bullshit. It may take some time, but you will be better.

Writing saved my sanity. It allows me to express myself without having to use my actual voice. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate public speaking. I tend to psych myself out leading up to it. My current projects include writing for Odyssey every week, I'm in the process of trying to continue my short stories, and I'm excited to announce that I'm currently working on my very first poetry book!

Writing has given me so much, and I'm so looking forward to making a career out of something I love so much.

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