Coffee With My First Love

I wasn't a crazy fangirl of every hot guy that passed me by in high school. In fact, I was more interested in hearing other girls fangirling than actually experiencing it myself. But there was this one guy. For all intended purposes I am calling him Mr. Loverboy.

Mr. Loverboy was not your typical jock. He was a jock plus some. He was (and totally still is) a tall, muscled man with cute freckles and some flaming red hair. If K.J. Apa came to mind just now you would be on the right track. He was also the kindest guy I have ever met. He loved having intentional conversations and deep talks, and he was not afraid to show his emotions. He was 1 of 9 siblings, girls dominating that pack.

I started liking this guy 2nd semester of sophomore year. Our families have been friends since life began, so we grew up together, and that was my first problem. We were those "sibling friends." I hate being a sibling friend. Like, the competition around here is already hard enough, and now you want to compare me to your sister? So many girls liked him that I honestly didn't think I had a chance, so I never did anything about my feelings but talk my parents' ears off.

Recently, however, I went home from college for the weekend with my family to reunite with some of my high school pals, actually walk for my high school diploma (graduated early), and see my parents spend some much needed time with friends. As soon as I landed, this guy was on my mind. Literally being in the same state as him gives me the chills. I wasn't planning on reaching out to him cause we really weren't friends anymore, but that didn't stop me from thinking about him the whole time.

We had a pretty tight group of friends in high school and a lot of them were celebrating their own graduations with parties. While I was at one of these said parties, I bumped into a girlfriend of mine from high school who also took an interest in Mr. Loverboy. We were really close in high school, but I didn't dare tell her that I was in love with her one and only high school crush. Full disclosure, I was scared that it would ruin our friendship and I thought that she was way better than me.

After we talked for about an hour she brought him up in the conversation. She went as far as to pull me out of the circle of pals we were conversing with. I thought she was about to spill some serious tea about him, or worse, tell me they were dating. The only thing she had to say was that they got coffee together a few weeks back and it was really good. I texted him an hour later.

After some smoothly put together sentences, because I know he likes that, he said he would love to meet. My heart did about 235 back-flips.

When I saw him again, I tried to play it cool. I'm not cool. There is no cool coming from this girl. I was hot all over, tongue twisted and felt a little light headed. I was physically in danger because I could never get over this guy. He is a total jerk for being this hot and this nice.

Anyways, it didn't go as planned. My old bestie wanted to hang out at the same exact time and, when push came to shove, we all ended up at the same coffee shop together. She had also just walked off a plane from Seattle and all she wanted to do was catch up. She left him high and dry in the conversation, and it ended up being her and I that really caught up and him just sitting there on the sidelines. We went our separate ways and I felt like a loser for not trying to include him more in the conversation. I had a red-eye flight that night and sent him this text from my first layover:

Imessage ScreenshotVictoria Ramsdell

He replied that afternoon and thanked me for the coffee. He also said he enjoyed watching my old bestie and me together. He enjoyed our dynamic. Safe to say that is not what I wanted to hear from him. I guess it's just too early for him to say "I love you." Joking, but not really.

What I really wanted was to sit down with him and get to know him a little more. It didn't work out for us in high school, but we are in college now, and things are different. He grew up, and so did I, I think.

My dad says that distance doesn't matter and if it's gonna happen, then let's get this ball rolling. I, however, have been taught, by the same man who just said that, to let the guy pursue. If he doesn't, he ain't it sister.

So now I am sitting here writing it all out so I can get it out of my brain and stop thinking about him. I have thought less and less about him as the months have gone on. I have not seen him in almost a year, besides my recent three-way with him and my bestie. However, the old memories of us hanging out and climbing the Colorado Rockies still linger in my mind sometimes. There are so many things I want to ask him, so much of his heart that I long to know and learn about.

If it's not going to happen, and I have a nagging feeling that it probably won't, then I would love for my hear to move on. I have a lot of things in life that I need to heal and recover from, and overlapping all of that with feelings for a guy who no longer stands in my life just complicates things and makes my brain go fuzzy. I am working on my own healing right now, and moving on from him is involved in this process. He is a great guy, and that will never change. He was the first guy I really thought I could love, and that won't change either. He's not mine though, and that is a fact that I will have to breathe in and accept.

Acceptance isn't usually my cup of tea, but I am growing and learning. Learning to love myself as I am, take care of myself and listen to what I need. I am growing into a woman of God, growing into a future wife and mom, and whoever stands beside me as my husband will see that, even if it's not Mr. Loverboy (though it would be total coolness if it was him).

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