Gary Johnson: Political Fireball

In a world where unelectable, occasionally comical, strikingly terrible politicians surround Americans, one hero rises from the political ashes to save the free world. That man is Gary Johnson: Political Fireball.

Maybe that isn’t his chosen name, but it is definitely one of the names I’ve affectionately chosen for him (alongside Political Spirit Animal and Political Jesus). Before you read the rest of this article, you ought to know I’m a stark-raving mad Libertarian with possibly the most aggressive loyalty to my chosen (under-appreciated) party. Proceed with caution.

Ron Swanson: Ultimate Libertarian.

We’ll take a quick journey back to 1798: the first introduction of Libertarianism. A Libertarian by definition is the advocate or defender of liberty (isn’t it already the coolest thing you’ve ever heard?). It was a term first used by Enlightenment freethinkers in reference to free will. The definition of a Libertarian in the United States has deviated a bit from its historic use, has gained international recognition as a double for “socialists” (for the last time, we are not socialists), and is recognized in the good ol’ US-of-A as a political party that is conservative on economic issues and liberal on social issues, while remaining non-interventionist on foreign policy. Living the Libertarian dream yet?

Fast forward to 2016, and standing before you, outfitted in the highest of political fashion (check out that foxy presidential suit) and with a full head of perfect, silver hair is the one and only Gary Johnson: Political Fireball.

Gary Johnson believes in you.

The catch with old Gar-Bear here is that he’s graced us with his presence at the most opportune timing. While many voters feel that neither party is represented by quality candidates, Gary Johnson could be the answer to all of our political prayers. He wants to balance our budget (and Gary, if you’re reading this, you can balance my budget any day). He wants to protect our civil liberties. But more than anything, he wants to get us talking. Can I get a hallelujah?

In the past, Libertarians often got little to no voter representation. They are right on par with the Green Party in that no one really cares about what they have to say. However, this election could change all of that. Maybe Johnson (O Captain, my Captain) won’t be elected (*stifles a sob*) but he could be the candidate that challenges voters to think outside the box — or party. In 2012, he acquired one percent of the popular vote, and though compared to your mainstream candidates, that’s nothing, for a third party candidate, it is huge. Johnson’s popularity among Libertarian voters could potentially put us on the map, and the stalemate the current election is at could give his campaign a much-needed boost. In the near future, the Libertarian opinion could be discussed as widely as the Republican and Democratic opinions.

So to sum up, Gary Johnson is here as a tall drink of water in the hot, dry, hideous desert of today’s political race. And in his own words, he is here to give Libertarians their own “fair shake” in politics.

Hallelujah, Gary Johnson. Hallelujah.

For more (comedic) information on the government and what it is to be a libertarian, Ron Swanson explains it in fourth grade terms: