We've all been there, right? Screwed over by a f*ckboy, again...and again...and again. When you hear enough of the same thing, you start to recognize a pattern. So here's a dictionary I put together of a few f*ckboy phrases. If you hear these...run. You're messing with a grade A asshole who will love ya and leave ya (and possibly will do so without so much as a single clue he's disappearing on you for good).
1. "I'm not that guy."
Yes, you are. If you have to tell a girl you're not a piece of shit, newsflash: you're probably a piece of shit. It's like telling someone you're a good person; if you're truly a good person, you don't have to advertise it, because your actions speak louder than any words.
2. "I wanna get to know you."
Do you? Lucky me. *Insert eye roll accompanied by heavy sarcasm here.* Closely followed by:
3. "I like to have sex with people that I'm getting to know."
And then miraculously, after you have hooked up a couple of times, they manage to come up with a brilliantly convenient excuse about your schedule being too hectic or how they're getting back together with their ex...if you get an excuse at all.
4. "I'm not gunna leave you." / "I'm not going anywhere."
Yes, yes you are. Not once--ever-- in the history of ever, has a f*ckboy stuck around to prove themselves right. That's what makes them f*ckboys.
5. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
Thank you for your half-assed apology on behalf of the entire male species. I'll be sure to remember that you're "sorry" when it's been three weeks and I have yet to hear from you, even though we had an explicitly specific conversation about how the last guy left with no warning.
6. "Not all guys are like that. I'm not."
Oh, sweetie. Of course you are. I haven't figured out how yet, but I will. Trust me, you'll make it obvious soon enough.
7. "What're you wearing?"
Khakis.
8. "Oh, you're showering without me?"
Yes, because that's what normal human beings do when they need to clean themselves.
9. "You just got out of the shower? Can I see?"
Cue the towel-head, make-up-down-my-face selfie. Seriously, when has that ever worked?
10. "Yo, your friend's hot. Think you can put me on?"
After we just hooked up? Fat chance in hell. Go get in a car crash, preferably on your way home from my house. Or, you know, immediately. I'm not picky.
11. "Send me a pic."
Stop.
No really, just stop.
And thank you, Captain Obvious. For making it very clear how much of a douschebag you are.
12. "I don't mean to be a perv, but what size are your boobs?"
OK. Even if for one second I believed you didn't mean to be a perv-- and let's be clear, I do, I totally do think you mean to be a perv-- I still wouldn't tell you. And I sure as hell wouldn't send you a picture, so don't bother asking--
13. "Well you gotta show me something--"
Like hell. I don't "have" to do shit. If I'm showing you anything, it's my middle finger. Fuck off.
14."You're the only girl I'm talking to."
*Crickets.*
*Blocked.*
15. "I'm bored."
Are you? Do yourself a favor and go tell someone who cares. Cuz I sure as shit don't.
Ladies, you're better than this. You deserve a real, decent, honest conversation. With someone who gives a shit about what you have to say, actually wants to make you smile, and show you the value of a real man. They're out there, I promise. And now that you're armed with the f*ckboy dictionary, you're ready to march into battle. If you take these to heart, and walk away from the foolish f*ckboys stupid enough to use these lines on your beautiful warrior self, you'll avoid these grenades before they detonate.
Note: I'm not opposed to taking suggestions of F*ckboy phrases and doing a part 2. I'm just sayin'.
P.S. If you (*ahem* men) got offended reading this, I regret to inform you that there's a 33% chance you're already a f*ckboy. But hey, it's not too late to change your ways! Just don't say all that ^ ever again.
