Right before I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I was in such a depressed mood. I would not take care of myself — I guess I wasn't ready to let go of that relationship. My mood was continuously low, never high. Finally, I got the courage to end that relationship. He moved on really quickly, but I am still single and taking time for myself.
For about a month I felt free, but slowly the feeling of being lonely crept in and smacked me across the face. My anxiety hit me up and said "you have no friends because no one likes you." I believed my anxiety. But around what was supposed to be our three year anniversary, I started letting things go. I knew when he said we would talk again, he didn't mean it. He was just making me feel better. For a whole month after that, I started to feel so good about myself. I turned 18 and was on the path to graduate.
Shortly after my birthday, everyone was talking about coronavirus (COVID-19) in China. At the time, I thought we have at least enough warning to get some precautions in place. I was in such a good mood. I was experiencing the last days of senior year. The first two weeks I was hopeful. Then April hit and I had to remind myself that everything was going to be OK. I was having doubts about graduating. I was having doubts about going to college. Everything felt ruined. I knew people had it worse, and that's what I focused on. I started working on my school because I was getting behind really badly. I was in a dark place for about two weeks, wanting to do nothing but sleep and eat. I gained like 20 pounds.
I think if I didn't live in a state with such a good governor we would be such a hot spot right now. I live in Kentucky and right away he took action. Doing online schooling was fine for me. I prefer that to school in-person. I excelled and turned in about 90 percent of my assignments. I graduated in my parents' car. I loved the creative graduation ceremony.
When May rolled around, I started focusing on my mental health and talking more to my therapist about how things were affecting me. I made some friends a few months before school closed down. Really they were just friends I had while I was dating my ex that I kinda pushed away, but I explained to them that I was sorry for acting the way I did. We talked and I pointed out where I went wrong and it was amazing. They all moved away for college and I'm still here I'm my little hometown.
The summer came and passed quickly and I was able to take care of myself physically and mentally. I started eating better and talking to myself better. One thing I did that was really bad was use horrible language about myself. Now I use complementary words. I've focused on some of my hobbies like painting and reading. When I was a kid I used to read like two or three books a week. Now I read one book a year.
In July, I lost one of my childhood dogs. He passed away unexpectedly and it really hurt my family. We had three dogs with him and went down to two — there was a hole and it was hollow. We ended up getting another dog and she is so amazing. We feel complete again, but we still miss him dearly.
I started college in August and all my classes are online except one. I'm OK with online classes, but it's hard to get to know people. I wanted a college experience, not the typical one but at least one with friends. Now I just have work and no friends. I'm still learning every day to take care of myself and speak kind things to myself.
A year ago I would have told you I was stuck in bed almost every day not wanting to go to school.
Today, I enjoy it and love myself and work on myself. It's a journey and one worth going on.
