Every city has a designated area where people flock to in search of a good time. In Pittsburgh, that area is the Southside. Southside has bar crawls on lock; there are over 80 bars in the Southside Flats alone. As a native Pittsburgher, I can proudly proclaim that I’ve stumbled through the majority of them. Each establishment offers a unique atmosphere appealing to varying crowds. You may know your friends’ favorite places, but what about your "Friends'" favorite places? Here is how I believe a bar crawl would look for each of our favorite "Friends" characters.
RACHEL
Starts night: Emiliano’s
Drops by: Diesel
Closes Down: Tiki Lounge
It’s easy to picture Rachel emulating Sarah Jessica Parker in a little black dress clutching a huge margarita; Emilianos’ sangria margaritas are to die for. She would no doubt be flirting it up with multiple male consorts while eventually progressing from sips of her drink to shots of tequila. That’s when the night gets interesting. Of course, our fashion girl would hit up a trendy club like Diesel frequented by young hotties similar to her former assistant Tag, but by the end of the night, Rachel would find everything she’s looking for at Tiki Lounge. There she would end the night wearing a colorful plastic lei, dancing the night away, and most likely downing even more shots of tequila like the hot mama she is.
MONICA
Starts night: Mallorca
Drops by: Streets on Carson
Closes down: Carson City Saloon
Monica is of refined taste. She would find pleasure by beginning her evening sipping Spanish wine at the Mallorca, admiring the aged architecture and warm atmosphere. Even though she’s lost a ton of weight since her youth, being a chef practically demands that she include food
PHOEBE
Starts night: Excuses
Drops by: Bar 11
Closes Down:
Phoebe is a wild card and no stranger to a night out on the town. She’d begin at Excuses where the typical crew of biker dudes wouldn’t scare her off. In fact, she’d probably run into some old friends from the streets while partaking in karaoke singing We are the Champions. Then she’d visit Bar 11 for some party favors and plastic necklaces that would pair nicely with her already quirky outfit. Finally, her voodoo loving spirit would feel right at home at
JOEY
Starts night: Tad’s
Drops by: Everywhere
Closes Down: Nadine’s
Tad’s is cheap, warm-spirited, and borderline filthy – just like Joey! He’d occupy a bar stool and maybe even be able to afford some drinks for the ladies with Tad’s generous drink specials. He’d begin the night near 10th street and hit up virtually every dive, club, or restaurant along the way spouting How you doin’? to as many attractive women as possible.
CHANDLER
Starts night: Smokin’ Joe’s
Drops by: Flats on Carson
Closes Down: Rowdy Buc
Everybody loves Chandler – except, sometimes, Chandler. He’d begin the night at Smokin’ Joe’s with some beers and a small group of friends. His social anxiety would prompt him to insist that he’s going home soon, but at his buddies’ persistence he’d begrudgingly tag along to Flats on Carson where the sea of confined bodies would drive him straight to the bar. There, to circumvent his discomfort, he would overcompensate with dangerous amounts of alcohol. That’s when he disappears; unbeknownst to his friends, he is at Rowdy Buc dancing in the middle of the floor with eyes closed and arms flailing – he may even be the guy up against a wall making out with a stranger just like he drunkenly did with one of Joey’s sisters. Poor Chandler.
ROSS
Starts night: The Library
Drops by: Jack’s
Closes Down: Mario’s
Ross’s favorite Southside spot would undoubtedly be the Library, where menus look like books and items within are named after classic novels. There are also pool tables and a small deck upstairs. After throwing back a beer and sneaking a delicious strawberry daiquiri, he’d be ready to hit up Jack’s with the guys where the layout is manly enough to make him feel like one of the guys but still not so crowded that he can't engage in some intellectual conversation. Soon enough, he’d be craving female company and head over to Mario’s where there are countless bodies filling every crevice. The large crowd may make him uncomfortable, but he’d still pick a lucky lady or two to share interesting facts about dinosaurs with. If all goes well, he may even meet his next
MIKE
Starts night: Fathead’s
Drops by: Archie’s
Closes Down: Smiling Moose
Mike is a laid back guy. He’d enjoy the sizable sandwiches served at Fathead’s along with a beer (or is it lager?) before moving to Archie’s, a dive that is rarely crowded with affordable drinks for a piano player’s salary. They even have trivia night to put Mike’s law degree to use! Lastly, he’d visit Smiling Moose to take in some live music and wind down before coming home to Phoebe who probably has naughty plans for him before he goes to sleep.
GUNTHER
Starts night: Hofbrauhaus
Drops by: Club Café
Closes Down: Devils and Dolls
Oh, Gunther. Why is it so easy to picture you wearing Lederhosen while dancing on top of the long tables at Hofbrauhaus? Maybe it’s the ultra blonde hair. I’m sure he’d get the night started right before heading to Club Café to take in some live performance art; maybe he could share a few of his own spoken word pieces about his glory days on General Hospital or his unreciprocated love for Rachel. After pouring his heart out, he could use a drink or two. That’s when he goes to Devils and Dolls, where his neon hair is the least taboo feature in the room. Trust me.
There you have it! It looks like each of our favorite "Friends" would have a memorable night out in Pittsburgh’s Southside. Next time you’re visiting your favorite place, consider which of your beloved TV characters would enjoy it too. They may not be your actual friends, but they’re still your friends, and that definitely counts for something.
