To You,

If I began this with, I am only writing this because I love you, it wouldn't be a lie. However, it also wouldn't do much aside to feed into an intervention-esq stereotype.

I am writing this because I fear that you cannot see what your friends and I can see – hurt. A hurt that you are causing to yourself. Whether this is because you are trying to mask a daily pain and burden that is hidden inside you, or just one that you subliminally enjoy inflicting upon yourself. A hurt that is projecting from your actions onto your once deeply intertwined friendships. A hurt that can seize your once bright and planned out future with an overwhelming darkness.

It crossed my mind that maybe if I hadn't known you since our prime awkward stage in middle school, I wouldn't notice how different you've become. Maybe I would view your strung out attitude and short temper as anxiety you live with. Or your constant urge to fill any minute of our time together with only your voice at a rapid speed and your inability to let others contribute to the conversations – as just being inconsiderate and needing of a spotlight. It's possible that I am just sensitive when you lash out and attempt to undermine my point of view or experience I'm speaking of. It could be that you have recently been diagnosed with Eczema in the past year, and that's why you're constantly scratching every inch of your body every two or three minutes I spend with you. Perhaps you've become allergic to the air inside our houses, outside by our pools, or down the shore, or even developed a mild case of Asthma and that's why you violently scratch your nose between each word you speak. Perchance, you're just tired and irritable for some reason until you go to the bathroom or run out to your car for a few minutes alone. Heck, your sense of invincibility might just be the way you were raised. I truly thought that it was only me that saw all of these things, but it isn't, and it apparently hasn't been just me for some time that noticed it all.

It's no secret that you've had encounters with drugs and alcohol since we've known you, and it's no secret either that our friends have done the same. I think that may be why no one has truly spoken up. But recently I came to the conclusion that there's a difference between enhancing a concert or event a few times and a daily overindulgent usage of a multitude of substances. Although personally, I have not experienced any of the stimulants that you've taken routine to, I have fallen victim to alcohol more times than I'd like to admit since college began. However, it's not a daily occurrence, and I don't feel a need to drink every day in order to get through my hours that I am awake. But nonetheless, it made me feel as though I would be a hypocrite had I ever mentioned to you about your usages, so I never really did. I regret that.

I would like to apologize that I swept your actions and bad decisions under the rug. That when someone made a comment on what level of messed up that you were that I used an excuse of, "well that's just _______." I'm sorry that our friends and I let you drive home or pick someone up when we know how many milligrams or grams you've had in front of us and then drank on after. I'm sorry that we make an excuse of not even trying to stop you by saying, "well she's gonna do what she wants." I'm sorry that when you ask me if it's okay when you do drugs in front of me that I say it's okay because it's really not. We excuse your actions too many times, and the truth is that allowing you to leave could have endangered numerous people, including yourself. That is what we are scared of.

If we continue to dismiss the hurt you're not only causing yourself and your body, that hurt will end. But at this rate, it will be within the next few years and you may not wake up from it. If we allow this to proceed without saying anything we will lose our once bubbly and eccentric friend. I'm not writing this because I'm worried that I will feel a heavy guilt if something bad happens and I never said anything. I'm writing this because I want to stop something before it happens. Although you may feel control when you use, and that's what you think you need, it's not. You don't actually have control once you start using; that invincibility that you sense and channel isn't real. You're not invincible, no one is. What you are is clouded, and as your friend I want you to see a clear sky, I don't want you to end up seeing the light.

I hope you want that clear sky too,

Your Friend