Since I’ve gotten to college, I’ve applied for a handful of small boards within groups on campus and even rushed a business fraternity. I’ve been rejected, from all of them. “You were amongst many of the qualified people for this position, unfortunately...” and that’s where my heart sinks. "Unfortunately" has lead to some big rejection. And you may be thinking, so a few boards, a frat, you’ll live. But, to me it was heart-breaking. The first one, I blew to the wind. The second, hit to the heart. The third, was becoming a dreadful trend. And now, I’m just over it.

Throughout high school, every single thing I applied for, ran for, tried for, fell straight into my lap. Eventually, I had such a long list of accomplishments I had no fear the next opportunity was a sealed deal. And, maybe it was because I was from a small town and did every single thing I could, but I took it all for granted.

The other day I found out I finally got accepted for once, to be a Welcome Week Leader, and it made my whole week feel better. Welcome Week leaders help transition the incoming freshmen and show them around campus. WWL are some of the first people you meet at the U, and they tend to have some large impacts on people. Rejection isn’t something I was used to, but freshman year of college seems to be one big rejection letter.

I try every day to get myself going to bigger and better things, but college is hard. I still don’t know how to study very well because I breezed through high school without a blink of an eye. When I go home and people ask me what I’m up to, they assume I will answer with a laundry list. Contrary to my extensive high school resume, I just have classes, writing, and one other organization I am a part of. Most people from home would be shell-shocked that Kenzi Boivin isn’t running the campus.

The big city brings me loads of competition and people who are much more qualified for everything I hope to do. My biggest fear is that I’ll keep getting rejected and will wind up with nothing to show for my time spent here. I’m a person who thinks toward the future, and I’m currently in internal turmoil about how short-winded my resume is shaping up to be.

Although I’m only a freshman, I’m preparing myself for my future. Hopefully, a very bright future if things go the way I’ve planned them in my head. College is a whole new ballgame. I had read article upon article about how you’ll go from a 4.0 GPA student to getting Ds on tests and Cs for final grades. I wasn’t ready for that GPA to hit me, till I saw it after the first semester. I didn’t get an A in a single class, and that is still hard for me to admit. I’ve been completely obliterated by professors for my writing, something I pride myself on. Knocking me down just another rung in my confidence.

This failure is hard for me to swallow. My parents and many others are still shouting from the sidelines, supporting me, encouraging me. While I thank you guys so much, I feel I’m still not doing enough.

I only have myself to blame, myself to push farther, to reach the goals I’ve set for myself. This article is really a weight off of my chest. I’ve been struggling with this inner battle of self-approval for a large part of freshman year. I can’t seem to light the fire under myself to get myself just roaring with passion and drive to excel myself. Contrary, I maybe am just not giving myself enough credit. Wherever my path leads me from here, I must reassure myself that I’m still trying my hardest.

College isn’t about knowing everything. It’s a time for failure. It’s a time for reality checks.

The future is out there, and the playing field is completely different. I went from little league to the MLB in a blink of the eye. I can take the time to change the world and myself. Being over-involved, being number one, isn’t something that I have to be. Moreover, it’s okay to not be the best.

It’s time for me to keep trying, putting myself out there, not taking rejection as an end all. It’s a learning process, and I’m still learning how it all works for me.