Reconciliation and forgiveness are two words often heard in Christian circles, especially at church.

We hear those words and say, "Thank you, Jesus for reconciling me to the Father and for forgiving me. May I forgive those who sin against me just as you forgave me."

We feel good in our hearts and are truly thankful, but as soon as we leave church or put our Bibles down, we face a situation where someone wrongs us and we must put into practice what we have learned. If this is the first offense, we most likely are able to shake it off and forgive quickly. What about the next time it happens? We may say nothing to them, but our thoughts may be far from forgiving or loving. The third time? We remind ourselves not to purposefully associate with them again.

At this point we reason with ourselves and justify loving them from afar, not seeing the need to be involved with them especially because they constantly hurt us. We agree to be civil when we see them, but are not willing to allow them back into our lives or hearts.

We say things like, "I forgive them, but I don't need to be their best friend. Their behavior causes me to struggle so I should avoid interacting with them." Over the years, I have found myself saying these exact things.

Not too long ago, I wrestled and still wrestle with a specific friendship that has exposed my lack of desire to show true forgiveness and reconciliation that is patterned after Jesus.

Let me set the stage for you.

We had all the same friends. We saw each other everyday. We were both very involved in ministry. She had a lot of guy friends. I had a few guy friends. At one point we happened to both be close friends with the same guy.

Slowly, the two of them started spending more and more time with each other and less time with me and others. I started to feel very hurt and left out. I remember thinking, "Geesh, you have so many friends and you now want to take mine." Then, when the two of them dated and then broke up, I remember being hurt because of how things ended.

Shortly after that, another friendship of mine grew and I began to like this guy as more than a friend. Things were going well, but I noticed that this girl was becoming good friends with him and I began to feel uncomfortable and mistrusted her.

Long story short, things didn't work out with the guy and the two of them became best friends. I felt like my suspicions about the two of them were confirmed and I was so hurt.

In my mind, she knew what she was doing and I didn't need to be friends with her. I could be civil when our group hung out, but I wouldn't humble myself and let her see me hurt. She didn't deserve to know my heart or be trusted because of all that she had done. Or so I thought. I told God that I could never be her friend and I resolved to just be cordial in her presence. I mean, seriously, what more could He expect from me?

Because God is the God of redemption and has given his followers a ministry of reconciliation, He couldn't let me stay like this. In II Corinthians 5:18-19, it says,

"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation."

At the same time He saw my unforgiving heart, he also heard me praying to have a heart like Him. So he saw fit to make me more like Him by convicting me of my unwillingness to forgive and giving me an opportunity to repent. Short story longer, He placed her and me in each other's daily life for about a month. He gave me daily opportunities to extend forgiveness and show unconditional love.

At first, I refused to connect with her and kept things strictly business. Soon after, God tugged on my heart and spoke to me through Martin Luther King Jr.'s book titled, "Strength to Love." In it he talks about reconciliation and forgiveness. He shared how true forgiveness happens when you welcome the people that hurt you back into your life. You start over. You bring them back into relationship with you. You don't love them from afar. You welcome them back in. You envelop them with love and grace. You don't do it once, you do it again and again and again. He said that,

"forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."

During that time, I realized that I have never truly forgiven her because I had kept her at arms length.

I had kept my heart from her as a way to protect myself, when in reality I was keeping myself from being free. In faith, I started to let her in and I began trying to love her well. What I thought would bring pain, actually brought healing. My love for her grew and my heart began to heal. In talking with her, I began to realize that I was so stuck in the past and focused on how she had hurt me that I was held prisoner by it.

She didn't even realize the ways I had been feeling and was not stuck like I was. In my own way, I thought she needed to know I forgave her so we could move on in our friendship, but in reality God knew I needed to be freed of my attitude towards her. By his grace, he allowed me to do this by putting us in each other's lives in a way that I was not prepared for. I recently came across this quote by Max Lucado and I think it addresses my condition at that time.

"Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner!"

Thanks be to God that He helped me free myself from my own prison of bitterness and unforgiveness. I share this story with you because I believe that God desires for us to find freedom in forgiveness.

Regardless of whether someone ever apologizes or owns what they did, you don't have to be held prisoner by their actions.

With God's help, you can forgive people and lavish love and grace on them. Your heart can be free and you will no longer need an apology from someone who hurt you.

When you love those who hurt you, you identify with Jesus and come to know that the healing and peace you truly desired comes from Christ in you, loving and healing the world.