"I'm Tired"
Words that are thrown around so easily, but don't always mean the same thing. I can sleep twelve hours a night and still wake up tired. Being tired doesn't always correspond to physical exhaustion. Mental and emotional exhaustion is common, especially in people with mental illness. Fatigue is a symptom of most mental illnesses. When I say I'm tired, it's not always because I haven't slept the well the night before.
1. I'm tired of pretending
I, as well as many others with mental illness, tend to hide my feelings from most people. I put on a show sometimes, suggesting that I am fine and everything is okay and life is great when in fact that is not the case. Trying to live this fake life and hide the truth from the world is exhausting. Always trying to think of a lie to explain the scars. Always trying to fake a smile so nobody questions what's wrong. Always trying to hold back the tears in public. Trying to not be yourself is the opposite of life, and doing can get extremely tiring.
2. I'm tired of overthinking
Overthinking is one of the most exhausting concepts of mental illnesses, whether it's an anxiety disorder or anxiety is just a symptom. For me, overthinking is a daily activity. First, there is all the stuff I have to get done. Then, there is the more personal thoughts. What did that look mean? Did they really mean it when they said they loved me? Is something bad going to happen today? Those are just a few examples of the way an anxious mind operates. My brain goes into panic mood trying to deal with all of the chaotic thoughts in my head and after it has overexerted itself and run out of energy, it just shuts down.
3. I'm tired of feeling
All mental illnesses encompass some kind of intense mood swings, feelings and emotions. Whether it's sadness, anger or anxiety, feeling too much of anything can be overwhelming. Constantly feeling something, no matter what it is, can be draining on the body and the mind, causing a great amount of overall exhaustion. Sometimes feeling becomes too hard and you just become too tired to feel anymore, so you take a nap. Because you are tired of feeling. And need a quick break from all emotions.
4. I'm tired of living like this
Mental illnesses have a huge impact on everyday life. It affects you mentally, physically, emotional and spiritually. It can take a toll on your relationships, your work and your overall future. Some days you can handle it, and others you can't. Sometimes it all just becomes too much. On those days you ask "Why me?" and "When will this end?" and pray for an answer. But there isn't one. The pretending, the overthinking, the feeling: it all adds up and leaves you empty, with nothing left but mental and physical fatigue. And no amount of sleep can cure that fatigue; it takes time, rejuvenation and strength, to get back to the days where you can handle it all.
So yes, I am tired. I am always tired. And I did have a good night's sleep last night.
