At my darkest moment in life, I learned to rely on myself, although I was in a constant battle with myself. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I was completely blindsided and devastated. I didn’t really see it coming and there weren’t a lot of answers, something that at times haunted me, but something I have learned to let go. With all of the emotions that were constantly swirling in and out of my head, I learned to rely on myself to fix things.
Throughout the first weeks and even months after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, my friends and family were there for me no matter what. Although I was super appreciative and always listened to everything that they had to say, in the end, I could only fix myself, even when they tried so hard to fix me themselves.
I will admit, my friends and family tried so hard to understand me, but for a while, I couldn’t even understand myself. I had no idea how to fix myself, and for a while it was completely obvious. I turned to drinking to solve problems that I didn’t want to face myself, which actually made things worse 110% of the time. I ignored my schoolwork, which was not like me at all, and my grade point averaged suffered because of it. I stopped doing things that made me happy because a lot of those things reminded me of him and I felt as if I couldn’t face them without him by my side. I shoved everything and everyone aside that made me happy, because I thought I couldn’t be happy without him. I was destroying myself because of a broken heart.
But one day, I woke up and I decided I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. While he was living his perfect little life with his new girlfriend, immaculate grades, and his happy hobbies, I was losing myself. It took me so long to realize that I deserved to be happy without him and that I deserved a hell of a lot better. I spent too much time putting his happiness before my own, therefore, when we broke up, I had no idea what to do with myself, or what even made me happy anymore. But within time, I learned what made me happy, and I learned that I could be happy on my own.
Instead of forcing myself to sleep all day, I got out of bed each morning, I wrote, I ate breakfast, and I started running. I spent my days doing things I loved. I took walks on the beach, I read books, I spent time with my friends and family, I watched movies, and most importantly, I focused on myself. My nights were spent curled up in bed with a good book, instead of out partying to get my mind off of things. I spent more time studying and less time avoiding my studies. I ate healthier and I spent more time at the gym. I found productive ways to deal with my problems, and it only benefited me in the long run.
So although I do miss my ex-boyfriend at times, we all have our moments, despite how things ended, I have realized that I lost myself while I was trying so hard to be who he wanted me to be, and in the end, I clearly couldn’t do that. But going through my breakup with him caused me to find myself, and for that reason alone, I am happy that we broke up. I will find someone, someday. But until then, all I can do is focus on myself and be a better person tomorrow than I was today.
