If you truly know me, you'd know that I have a lot of issues. I hated the world and blamed every single thing that went wrong in my life on my past. I was selfish and an overall awful person. But after having what my roommate called a palate cleanse, I have completely changed my thinking.
This "palate cleanse" was intended for me to be single for 30 days (which is super hard for me) and not talk to any guy that I might have an interest in. I fully the completed the 30 days with a lot of tears and lonely nights but I have learned a few things other than how to be single.
1. I didn't have to worry about being with someone all the time.
Yeah, it's hard and you get feelings of being unwanted, especially if you're considered a serial dater like I am. I always wanted to be in a relationship or considered a thing with someone, even if it was just temporary. Taking a step back and not being with anyone helped me realize that I didn't need to be with someone at all times and that I need to take the time to figure out what I wanted and deserved.
2. I learned who I am as a person.
I always hated who I was and what had happened in my past. I was bullied really badly growing up and I have low self-esteem. I've always used that as an excuse or a blame for everything. I was a truly awful person before this cleanse and I'm still pretty bad, I'm getting better. I know my self-worth and what I deserve in life. I'm not going to let my old negativity and thoughts hinder my happiness.
3. The past is in the past.
As I mentioned before, I was bullied throughout school and I always used that to explain why I thought so lowly of myself. That could be one reason, but another reason is that I hated the person I had become. I was so full of negativity and hatred towards everything and everyone that it just ruined life for me. I wasn't trying anymore. I wasn't truly living, just someone breathing and occupying space. Yes, all this has happened to me, but it's made me stronger as a person and that I can learn from it and be a better and more positive person.
4. I was an awful friend to everyone.
I would always say that I never really had friends because I was shy and introverted, and while that is slightly true, it's also because I was such an awful friend. There are way too many people in my life where I had brought my own drama into their lives and then threw myself pity parties to gain sympathy from them. I never took into consideration what they might be going through or how it affects them. I was so selfish and cruel towards them that I had lost them.
I have learned so much by taking a step back and looking at everything in my life. I wasn't a good friend or person. I blamed everything on things that happened but did nothing to fix it. I felt that I always needed to be with someone to be whole. But the truth is, is that I don't truly need anyone but myself. It's a privilege to have friends who love you for who you are and I took that for granted. It wasn't until my darkest moments when I realized that I had driven them all away. I was horrifically negative all the time and that wasn't what I wanted. This break has given me my happiness and positive attitude back, but I know it'll take time to fully be who I want to be and be forgiven for all the wrongs that I've done. But that's OK because I've found my happy place.
