Holding a grudge against people that hurt you doesn’t do you any good. It’s very likely you could lose a friend over something that may just have been a misunderstanding. Even if the person did aim to hurt you with what they said or did, whether they apologize or not, forgive them. It’s healthier not to hold on to the negative energy and allow the friendship to continue once the conflict is resolved. However, despite the cliché “forgive and forget”, you should not forget what they did. Rather, you should learn from it.
If a person hurts you repeatedly, it doesn’t matter if you talk it out and resolve the issue every single time. This indicates there is a much deeper underlying problem that leads to each hurtful act. It is true that all long-term friendships will have some arguments or conflicts; however, healthy relationships are not one sided where one person hurts the other constantly. Rather, healthy relationships are a give and take were conflict, compromise, and reconciliation tend to be the norm. My guess is that friendships where people constantly upset each other (in some form of co-dependency) are the most rare, although clearly existent.
By forgiving someone, your relationship can continue to grow and you can move on with your lives. By not forgetting, I personally use the opportunity to reflect and make sure that neither my forgiveness nor my friendship are being taken for granted. If people realize that they can hurt you, apologize for it, and move on, they will keep doing it and not care what damage they cause. Forcing someone to face what they did wrong and truly resolve the damage it caused will likely prevent them from repeating their actions. You will also be stronger and more confident in future conflicts. Setting up boundaries for yourself and expectations for how other people can treat you, will help reduce the likelihood that people will try to walk all over you.
You are a special and valuable human that somebody would love to have as a friend. That person would treat you like the amazing friend you are and would feel awful if they hurt you or the two of you got in a fight. Don’t waste your time on people who mistreat you and abuse your forgiveness. Don’t allow yourself to be repeatedly hurt, use your boundaries to determine when its time to move on and look for new friends.
Over the course of time, all friendships are tested with some type of conflict. That is not the same as continuous conflict. Especially after you have told them they are being hurtful and there are no fundamental behavioral changes. Continuous disregard for your feelings and well-being are not acceptable. This is the time to forgive, but it’s also the time to move on. Here are some things to keep in mind while breaking up with a friend:
1. Your happiness and well-being are your main priorities, always.
2. Don’t rob yourself of your own happiness. Forgive people. Don’t let yourself be a pushover. If someone repeatedly insults or hurts you, it’s time to leave.
3. You deserve to be treated with respect. If someone doesn’t treat you with respect, they don’t deserve you.
4. “Don’t light yourself on fire to warm someone else.” -Anonymous comment on a YouTube video
5. It’s okay to leave people in your past if it means your future will be brighter.
6. Holding grudges doesn’t harm anyone but you.
