When I first felt your tiny kick in Mama’s tummy, I started crying. When she noticed, Mama just laughed at me. She had felt so many of your little kicks—she was used to it at that point, but I was astonished. This was the moment it really sunk in for me that my big sister—the girl that had been around for, literally, my entire life that I both loved and hated (depending on the day) that shared a room with me, laughed with me, cried with me, pulled my hair when I bossed her around and raced me to the TV every day after school—was creating an actual, living human being inside her. When I felt you kick for the first time, I fell in the kind of love that no matter how much I attempt to describe, you will never understand its depths.
Months later, when I felt I couldn’t love anyone or anything as much as I loved you then, you were born and never-ending love grew even deeper. While your Mama had been fully prepped on what to expect in the delivery room, I only knew what I saw in movies. So when you came out pale, I got scared. When I cut your umbilical cord, and you still hadn’t started crying yet, I grew terrified. My mind began racing with every possible horrible outcome imaginable during the seconds of your silence. But, then your tiny lungs expanded, and your high-pitched screaming gave me an overwhelming sense of relief.
To this day, I get that same pang of terror every single time I see you start to fall or do anything remotely dangerous. This fear fuels me to instinctively look out for you. No matter what, your best interest is always at the front of my mind. You cry when I don’t let you get your way, but know that I do the things I do for your protection. I want only the best this world has to offer for you. I don’t want to see you hurt or scared. I want you to feel only good things. I want to see you smile and hear you giggle for the rest of eternity.
Even so, I know that I cannot shield you from the horrors of this world. There are so many hateful, unjust things that take place in this world that I will never be able to warn you of them all. You will learn of the wrongdoings all by yourself, sooner or later.
That being said, I hope that as you grow older and begin to understand the workings of this world, you do not let them deter you from being the pure and loving person I know you to be. The current state of this country will only make showing kindness more difficult for you as you grow older. I hope that regardless of what you see, you listen to Mama, Grandpa, and me when we remind you that being kind will only produce good results.
Among all the bad things, I hope that as you grow older you see all humans as your equal, your words as a tool, work hard for the things you want, and your love as an anchor. Never let anyone lead you to believe you are worth less than them for any reason, especially for reasons beyond your control. Do not let anyone silence you when you feel like speaking. Do not give up on anything because it is “too hard.” Most importantly, do not let this world make you bitter. Stay open; be willing to love, always; let others love you. There is so much more to life than the small town you’re growing up in leads you to believe. I promise you that if you try hard enough, you can achieve your wildest of dreams.
I believe in you, little man.
