Inside, I’m a better person, living a better life, accomplishing bigger things. Outside, I am not at all who I used to be.

Every single day of high school I did not perform to my full potential because I truly did not care. As terrible as it sounds, I loved only one class I ever took and the rest were entirely unimportant to me. I was the editor of my high school newspaper, and honestly, it was the only reason I left my house at 7:30 every day. I was perfectly happy with getting grades that would get me into college with a “good enough” scholarship and that was the end of that.

Since starting college and moving away from home, I have developed an incredible work ethic both academically and at my new job. I work long hours multiple times per week and still have been weeks ahead on my homework since the very first day. Instead of making time to watch exorbitant amounts of television and being sure I am up to date on what the Kardashians are doing at every given moment, I make time to go to the library and get things done far ahead of when they are due and I pick up extra shifts at work.

In high school I was eaten up by everyone else’s problems, letting mine sit on the farthest back burner. I would build up incredible amounts of anxiety that could explode at any minute just to keep everyone else happy. I let myself be a therapist to those who needed me, a life coach to those struggling and a dumping grounds for any and all issues. I was always afraid that even my closest friends would not like me if I did not let them just walk all over me. Not anymore.

Starting in August, I decided to put myself first. That is not selfish; it is necessary. I come first right now because I am eighteen, living on campus, financially supporting myself, and I have to make it out of school and into my career as easily and pain-free as possible. I have to come out of school with the lowest amount of debt that I can. I have to make it through school in three and a half to four years with great grades to maintain my scholarships. I have to be able to take care of myself mentally so that I can continue to live on my own without falling apart.

I may have, however, lost my way a little bit so far in the process. I feel almost too focused. Each day I worry that I have so much on my shoulders, and if I tip even a little, everything will fall apart. I have put friendships on the back burner. I feel completely undervalued by those who used to be worth their weight in gold to me. I have grown closer and closer to my family because I feel they are the only ones I can even rely on anymore. I long for days with my mom and for times when I am not seen as the adult, but as the child.

College, yes, has changed almost every part of me. But, I am proud to say that I am on a great track to getting where I want to be in my life, in my career, and in my head. I just have to warm up to letting people back in again, while not losing myself in the process.