Many introverts find themselves with the ongoing conflict of deciding between staying at home in their peaceful solitude, or going out and tirelessly socializing with the world. As a fellow introvert, I can completely relate with this scenario.
On one hand, we long to have more friends and feel the company of others, but on the other, it sounds like too much work. How can we break this cycle of comfortability, and ensure that our efforts to socialize with the outside world will be worth while?
Vanessa Van Edwards, researcher and author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, discusses why some people seem to make friends effortlessly, and why others may struggle to even have a conversation.
According to one study, it turns out that it's not peoples' confidence that makes them more likable or popular, and it's not even how outgoing and attractive they are either.
The study was conducted on teenagers, and asked them to make a list of the people that they liked. To be expected, they found that the popular kids had a longer list, and concluded that the most popular teenagers also liked the most people.
In other words, "We like people who like us," says Edwards.
While this isn't necessarily surprising, it does make an interesting point. One conclusion we may draw from this study is that extroverted or 'popular' people may look for more things to like about people than introverts do.
Introverts are often much more wary when approaching new people and situations — sometimes to their detriment. If you want to make more friends, start to look for the characteristics that you like in people. Ask them about their job, hobbies, clothes, etc. This approach takes the pressure off of you to try to impress them, and keeps you from having to talk about yourself. It's an entirely different conversation when you approach someone with the predetermined notion of looking for things to like about them, rather than trying to point out why they should like you.
The next time you're in a social setting, experiment with this scenario for yourself. You might just make a new friend.
