Face pressed against the glass door, little yellow dress, and an eager young soul. That was me for years waiting for you to show up. Every young girl longs to be loved by her father. The one who is her first love and forever protector. I waited for you with a hopeful heart, secretly praying inside that you wouldn't cancel again. Time after time you would bail, and it finally got to the point that I didn't expect you to show up, just so I wouldn't get let down.
For the longest time, I resented you growing up and I didn't understand WHY. Why couldn't you love me as much as you loved your other kids? What did they have that I didn't? For years and years, this tore me apart. But I buried it and I embraced what time I did have with you. I wish I would have known back then that I didn't have a lot of time left with you and I might have told you how I felt about everything. But little did I know, our time was growing shorter and shorter together.
The first phone call that turned my world upside down came one night while I was in elementary school. Fourth grade to be exact. I was sitting on the bottom bunk of our bunk beds when you said the dreaded word, cancer. You had been to the doctor and they told you that you were really sick. That's all I could comprehend at that time. I cried for a long time and was so very confused, but I knew then more than ever that I wanted you to love me because I didn't know when you would be gone. Those next months were rough for your health but our relationship grew stronger in those few months.
Just as we thought we turned the corner, the world fell apart right before us.
The doctors assured you that they had removed all the tumor with your surgery. What a praise! However, just as we thought we had turned the corner, the world fell apart right before us.
Your body became riddled with this dreaded disease. Inoperable is what they told us as they found six tumors in your brain. One of which would end up taking you from us. I would go through every day in fear that it would be your last. I would come home from school and have a phone call saying you were gone. Chemo treatments, radiation, and steroids took over your body and I didn't even recognize you anymore.
You knew it was going to be tough. Just when I felt like we were finally making progress in our relationship, you were gone. The phone call came early in the morning saying it would be a good idea to come say goodbye. There is so much I wish I could have said to you and so much I wish I would have let out, but I didn't. I just loved you and longed to be loved by you. I couldn't comprehend that it was really the last time I would see you. Ever.
Little did I know, the last time I left your house would be the last time you told me you loved me, the last time I would hug you, the last time I would hear your voice. The next time I saw you, you were in a coma, on oxygen and totally unresponsive.
I wish more than anything I could go back in time and find a way to fix everything. I wish I could find a way to have more time with you. But over the years I have come to a realization, one that I wish I would have realized a long time ago.
We had a rough relationship. It wasn't one like the movies paint but you were and will always be my father. I cherish those two years that we did spend together growing. I cherish that father-daughter dance we went to in 5th grade (even though you were so sick from chemo). I cherish those days spent at your house eating chips and hot sauce while watching wrestling. I cherish the good moments that we did have because those mean more than anything. Those are the moments that get me through the days when my heart breaks because you aren't here.
Almost ten years have passed and I miss you every single day. I wish you could be back here. I wish you could experience life with me and everything that is going on. Even though it was rough, thank you for the time we did have together. You might have been absent for years, but thank you for trying for those last few years because those are the moments I will hold onto forever.
Fly high daddy. I'll see you again one day.
