Don’t talk to anybody. Ever. Other people are Trojan Horses of bacteria and infection, and if you let them approach you, you might die.
Steal gloves from the science lab, and then wear them all the time. This way you never have to touch anything with your bare hands, especially door handles (aka germ spheres).
Stop studying. When you study, your brain becomes weak and tired. When you’re weak and tired, you’re more prone to sickness. Thus, if you don’t study, you don’t get sick.
Drink way more orange juice than you think you need. Seriously, pick an outrageous number of ounces and double it: that’s how much vitamin-C-rich orange juice you’ll need to fortify your immune system.
Stay in bed all the time. Classrooms are notorious microcosms for bacterial growth. Don’t let the allure of meeting the attendance policy dissuade you; just stay in bed where it’s safe.
Wash your sheets after every use. Some people say you should wash your sheets every other week, but they’re actually incredibly mistaken. You should wash your sheets EVERY day just to be safe. Two weeks just isn't enough anymore, Better Homes & Gardens!
Don’t make eye contact with anybody. It’s a little known fact that eye contact is the number one way students pass colds and viruses to each other. This is a science fact, I’m pretty sure.
Only eat soup. Listen, I know the pizza station is calling your name, but ignore that sound, okay? Get yourself to the sad, little soup station and grab a bowl of the least disgusting option. Liquid food is the only fuel your body needs to overcome illness.
Buy hand sanitizer in bulk off of Amazon. Scientists ~probably~ recommend using hand sanitizer every 120 seconds, so in order to save money, just go ahead and buy it in bulk. You’ll save money in the long run.
Cover your book bag in plastic. Book bags are breeding grounds for germs: they’re dropped on the ground in bathrooms and cafeterias and also on actual nature and dirt. So be smart and cover your bag in easy-to-clean plastic so you no longer have to worry about picking up your bag and a disease.
Similarly, invest in more plastic clothing. Obviously, fabric is sponge for bacteria, so eliminate the need for daily full-body disinfecting and constant laundry bleaching with germ-repellant plastic clothing.
Avoid your roommate. The only person you can trust is yourself.
When you have to walk anywhere, hold your breath as long as you can. Germs are in the air, my friend.
Laminate all your notes, essays, and textbooks. Carry around paper towels and some of your trusty hand sanitizer and wipe down your papers every once in a while. This will greatly reduce your chances of illness—especially when your class is having a peer review and your paper is passed around to the whole class.
Consider purchasing lab googles from the campus bookstore. Maybe a little over-the-top, but your eyes are precious and must be protected from bacteria!
