I recently went through one of the most challenging experiences of my life thus far. It came out of no where. I had no warning, no flashing neon lights to say "hey you're life is about to change dramatically". It was like driving into a brick wall and the airbag forgot to deploy. But I got through it. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and I moved forward because that is what you do when lose something. You move on. You get better, and that is exactly what I did.
It has been a few months and what felt like the biggest heartbreak at the time is now the biggest blessing. I have since realized how unhappy I was before I faced this loss. I was dependent on the relationships I had. I was consumed in all of the small matters that did not concern me. I had come to terms with the fact that I had anxiety, only to realize that I was making myself more anxious by being apart of something so toxic and unhealthy for me. I felt badly about myself because of the negativity I surrounded myself with. I did not love myself because I felt bad for loving myself. I had more bad days than good ones. I was almost always in a bad mood no matter how happy I promoted myself to be. My mind was not a happy place. It was full of negative thoughts, consumed with the stress that was present in other peoples' lives, not even my own. I made their problems my problems because I felt as though I needed to. I often found myself needing to get away. I would just up and leave without notice because I was so unhappy where I was sitting. I was no longer in control of my own life and the worst part is that I didn't even notice it was going on. It had become routine for me.
It wasn't until I was forced to change my routine that I realized how deep the hole was that I had been standing in. When I stopped feeling anxious all the time, I realized how bad my anxiety had been. When I was no longer consumed in problems that were not my own, I realized how many problems I did not have. When I became unapologetically happy, I realized how unhappy I really was. I was forced to be independent, which made me realize how dependent I had become. When I shamelessly fell in love with myself, I realized how cruel I had been previously. Now, I could not tell you the last time that I have had a bad day. I don't have negative thoughts. I am as happy as I once promoted myself to be. I have gained so much more than what I lost.
My intentions for this are not to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to gain any credit for overcoming this obstacle. But rather, I was hoping that my experience would resonate with someone else. It's hard to cut those ties but sometimes it is so worth it. You don't often see the damage that can be done by the people around you until you take a step back. If you take anything away from this, let it be that sometimes change is a good thing and that everything will work itself out eventually.
