You bought your ticket on Fandango just three hours before. The movie theater smells like overpriced popcorn butter, and the sounds of fountain drinks being poured echo through the lobby. You know exactly what you're walking into when they ID you at the front door, and also at the door to the actual theater. You've seen the trailers, you've heard the reviews. You already know what kind of movie Sausage Party is going to be.
Here are the five people you don't want beside you when the opening number rolls.
1. Your mom
I don't care if you do have an Amy Poehler in Mean Girls-level cool mom. Do not take your mom to see this movie. Do not tell your mom you saw this movie. If your mom sees this movie, you don't want to know that she did. You will never be able to look at each other the same.
2. A first date
It's tempting, I know: Sausage Party seems like a comedy just raunchy enough to take the attention off how awkward the first date is. But if you want a second date, do not see this movie on a first one. Your date will laugh at all the racist jokes, and worse, the rape jokes (oh yes, this movie is full of rape jokes), and that relationship will be over before it starts. In fact, don't see this movie on any date. Oh, you've been together two years? This movie will kill that vibe stone dead.
3. Your best friend.
You might think you and your best friend are solid, but you'll emerge from this movie different people. You don't want to associate your best friend with this movie. I promise.
4. Anybody else in your family.
If they have to look at you on Christmas morning, don't see this movie with them.
5. You know what? Literally just anybody at all.
Don't see this movie with anybody. If you're too curious not to watch it, illegally download it when it comes out on DVD and watch it like you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians. In secret. I promise, you will thank me later. Once you've made it past the racism, the sexism, the rape jokes, the gay jokes, and the bath salts, you will thank me.
