It was a Thursday night, but it was not just any Thursday night. Here at Texas A&M University, it was what they call “Rev Night” … AKA the night where the 40 percent of applicants who were lucky enough to be accepted into the fish camp program as a counselor meet their camp. This is also the night that breaks the hearts of us in the 60 percent… for the second time… because it already happened four days earlier on Sunday morning.

I wrote my application the day it was due, but I wasn’t worried. For starters, I work better under pressure. I crank out my best work the night before it’s due. I finished my A&M application the night before it was due, and here I am today as a Fightin’ Texas Aggie. So naturally, I assumed it was a trend. It was very humorous and me to a tee. I was very genuine and told them all about myself, the good and the bad. Well, all you can tell someone in a 500 word essay. I was confident it encompassed exactly what they were looking for: someone who passionately loves Texas A&M, someone who could welcome the class of 2020 with open arms, and someone who could make the freshman thrilled for the next four years of their life.

I was anxious going into the interviewing process. I had been told by many that it wasn’t interactive, semi-awkward and the questions they ask you are difficult to answer on the spot. My interview was the exact opposite. I remembered one of my interviewees from my session and I used that to my advantage to break the ice. I then told them the funniest story I have ever told that I will continue to use to make people laugh… because they did. I answered every question without hesitation, and it all came from my heart. I am very easy to read, so I knew they knew that also. Walking out of my interview, I was just anxiously waiting for an email that said “Congratulations! You’re going to Lakeview!”

So, Sunday morning I wake up and before I even put on my glasses, my phone is in my hand, and I am checking my email. I see the email from Fish Camp and I am smiling from ear to ear, “I’M GOING BACK TO LAKEVIEW, Y’ALL!”

…except that is not what my email said. My email told me thank you for applying, but they were not able to offer me a position as a member of Fish Camp this year.

My smile turned into a frown, and my mouth fell open in shock. All I could wonder is “Why?” Why was I not offered a position? Why was I not chosen? Was my interview not funny enough? Was my application not heartfelt? Why did someone not want me in their camp?

And we’ll never know. But what I do know is this:

If my interview made my interviewees laugh out loud, it was funny enough.

If my application encompassed me in 500 words, it was heartfelt.

If I was in the 60 percent, the 40 percent are more than qualified to welcome the class of 2020.

If I was not wanted in someone’s camp, my place is somewhere else.

If I am meant to be a part of this organization, I will be at Lakeview in the summer of 2021.

I had several people tell me congratulations, naturally assuming I got it. I can not say I enjoyed telling them I did not, but it was humbling. I felt like a disappointment. After all, in my sorority, both my big and my grand big were fish camp counselors. My big was chosen as a second year, and my grand big was a co-chair this year. I fit with them like a missing piece of a puzzle, so naturally I fit in fish camp, or so I thought. I kept comparing myself to other applicants who were chosen and picking out qualities I had that they didn’t. But that isn’t going to change anything. They will play a certain role in a certain camp, and I am not that certain fit. And that is OK.

Sometimes things don’t work out how we want them to, but there is some unknown reason that is part of a plan that is much bigger than us that causes things to happen the way they do. That is what I have to keep reminding myself. I scrolled through my newsfeed on Rev Night and then again later on the night of partner reveal, and I saw all my friends posting pictures with their camps as I was sitting in a study room preparing for an exam. I was jealous. I was angry. I was confused. I was sad.

But I am also worthy. I am funny. I am qualified. I am loud. I am crazy. I am passionately in love with Texas A&M. I am a redass. I am positive. I am loved. And most importantly, I am hopeful.

Class of 2021, I am coming for you.