I’m fine, really. You’ll believe the words that pass through my lips, I’m a broken record. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m not fine. My alarm goes off at 7:15 AM, I turn it off and go back to sleep because getting out of bed seems to be a chore anymore, and going to my 3 PM class leaves me sitting in a room feeling alone and unfocused. A tear falls onto my paper and I’m forced out of the classroom, my mind is keeping me captive and I can’t seem to fix it or control it. It’s a Tuesday I’m folding clothes and all I can think about is I have go to work on Friday. I will be anxious about work until I clock in nearly 72 hours later. Forget about doing anything on Friday or Saturday mornings either. However, if I do, I won’t go farther than a 5-minute walk away and I make sure I’m back by 2:30 PM because I have to leave at 3:47 PM to make it to work by 3:53 PM to clock in. It seems irrational but that’s how every Friday and Saturday have gone for me for about the last 6 months.
“You’re Clingy.” “Why do you get attached so easily?” I want you to like me, I don’t like myself sometimes so finding someone who likes hanging out with me I find it amazing and I want to spend a lot of time with you, I don’t mean to be clingy I just don’t want to let you in and then lose you. People are not my strong suit, crowds put a knot in my throat and one-on-one interaction with people I don’t know causes quivering hands that sit in my lap as I pray you don’t notice. If I ask you to hang out we will make plans and I’ll ask you if you’re sure that the time is okay, or what we are doing is okay because you probably have better things to do than to hang out with me. I’m sorry if I ever start crying in front of you, that happens sometimes, I’m not sure why. Thank you for being patient with me, and sitting quietly while I try to form coherent sentences.
It’s difficult to live a life that seems to be spiraling out of control and I can’t seem to get it under control. A few months ago, I knew I wasn’t happy, I had awful thoughts that I never thought I would have, so I decided to go see a counselor to hopefully give me the help I needed. I now know that feeling anxious while I’m sitting in bed watching Netflix isn’t normal. Of course I have good days/weeks but it's not always unicorns and rainbows.
I won’t tell people this, instead I will listen to you tell me about how you don’t know your next step and you’re unsure of where your life takes you. I will offer up a solution on how to fix it even though I’m not sure how to fix my own life, “Yes I’m listening to you, yes I hear you”, but you don’t hear me.
I don’t want to write a sob story for people to pity me, I want to write a PSA to say it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel anxious or scared or whatever you are feeling, we have emotions for a reason. Sometimes we just need a little more time and love to help with the emotions that are selfish and want to be out front all the time. You are not alone.
"When life gets you down, do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Just keep swimming!"
