Like most people, all I’ve wanted my whole life is to be accepted by the people around me. So, I made sure to always be kind, friendly, smart, and have cool interests that people would find well, interesting. So, when I would ask why don’t these people like me? I would always get the same answer- “You try way too hard.” To which I would respond, “But, if I don’t realize that I’m trying too hard, then I’d have to try harder to not try. It’s a catch-22, it makes no sense!”
I came into college discouraged about finding a group of friends, because in high school I was rejected by my friend group a year after meeting them. After another year of being super needy and begging for them to take me back, I finally was able to let it go. So, heading into band camp at college and immediately meeting a group of people to share my time with, the altos, I was instantly paranoid.
Freshman year we were all together multiple times a week, if not every day. We had tons of adventures together, always had meals together, and spent every weekend huddled together in someone’s dorm planning and reminiscing and getting into trouble. But, as the semesters rolled forward- freshmen became sophomores, sophomores became juniors- the hangouts weren’t as frequent, and each of them would make plans with just a few other people rather than the whole group. I remember the frustration from seeing my friends all make plans without me. I’d get scared and push harder and harder, or give the passive aggressive “wow, looks like you guys are having fun!” only because I was scared of history repeating itself.
In my anxiety and paranoia, I wasn’t exactly afraid that they hated me; just that I didn’t matter- that if I never showed up again, nothing would change and no one would care. One day, I got in a fight with someone very important to me, and he said to me “you’re so worried about impressing the people that may or may not like you, that you push aside and neglect the people who already do love you.” I realized he may have really had a point, and I had to realize that I wasn’t always the victim. I asked him how I’m supposed to just let it go when the people I want to hang out with are always hanging out without me, and he said “if they’re distancing themselves from you, trying to push yourself onto them will only push them further away. You have to be okay with being alone first.”
The person that told me these things ended up not being a part of my life anymore, but their words had a lasting impact. I knew there were some changes I needed to make inside- not in how I act around people- to get out of this hell-bent cycle of trying not to try.
First, I reached out to other friends who I had neglected in trying to be important to my friend group. During this, I realized that I hadn’t talked to my best friend from home in three months. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten so caught up in this that I hadn’t found the time to talk to someone who’d been there for me since I was 8 years old. I felt guilty about ignoring people. But more than that, I felt loved, and was glad I finally reached out.
Second, rather than constantly trying to impress my friend group, I spent more time alone trying to impress myself in a way, seeing what it was that I really enjoyed doing by myself. I got back into writing, and music, and practicing yoga and meditation to calm myself down when FOMO (fear of missing out) started to make me anxious. It wasn’t always easy- some nights I would feel compelled to message the group chat “so, what’s everyone doing tonight? No answer? I see how it is.” I would literally have to turn my phone off to keep myself from doing it. Fortunately, it didn’t take long before I could see a snapchat or Instagram post of my friends together without going nuts.
In this time, I saw two things change. One, once I stopped begging to make plans or doing constant things for attention, people didn’t stop inviting me to hang out. In fact, I think I actually started to hang out with them more often. But what’s even more exciting is I might not have seen them more often- I think that I genuinely began to care less and just enjoyed the time that I was spending with them. Two, I wasn’t anxious anymore when I did go to hang out with them, because I didn’t care what they thought of me. I just began to trust that they did genuinely like me, and if they didn’t they wouldn’t invite me. And I probably did become more relaxed and chill, because I wasn’t deadly afraid of spending a night alone.
As the next few months passed, I learned two different things. First, that just like a romantic relationship, friends and friend groups have a honeymoon period. When we all first met freshman year, we wanted to spend every waking minute together. As time goes on, people get busy with their own lives, they get close to other people, and they begin to plan for their futures. The friendships are still there, they just don’t need to be proven every day. So, if you go from taking squad goals pics every single day to maybe seeing half of the group once a week, don’t panic. They still like you. They still want you to be a part of their life. Life just happens as we grow up.
Second, I learned never to close the window of opportunity on meeting new people who could end up just as important to me. This August, a few months into learning to think this way, 19 freshmen joined our section in marching band. While no one could replace the original squad, I became very close with the new friends I met and had choices when it came to making plans. Within a month, two of the alto freshmen were to be my future roommates, and many of them became integrated into my original friend group. When it comes to making friends, you have to stay calm. Fear about making a good impression prevents you from making said good impression.
I looked around me, and I saw the pattern repeating itself- the freshmen around me making large friend groups and being attached at the hip to them and being overjoyed to have each other. I knew many of them would inevitably go through the same thing, but in the end, they would find a place that made them happy and it would all be okay.
Fear is the biggest destroyer of relationships. When you want to love and be loved, you have to have faith that the people who spend their time with you are doing so because they want to. When the thoughts of they actually hate me… they just feel bad for me or they’re keeping me around to make fun of me when I’m not around begin to seep in, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have faith in friendship, but most importantly, have faith in the validity of your value. You’ll make a great friend and you have to know that rather than sell it. Keep this in mind, and you’ll never be alone more than you can handle.
