The consistent question that has been floating around in my mind now for about a year: why can’t I keep a friend or make any new friends?
I am perfectly capable in the area of relationships; my partner and I are on two-and-a-half-years together and counting. When I attempt to make friends, however, I run into so many problems. It’s worse than dating for me, I can easily work up the courage to begin an intimate relationship with someone, but asking them to be my friend is a completely different story. On social media I see countless posts of what a day everyone is having with their bestie… and I can’t help but feel left out.
Some nights are rough, especially when you come across something as sentimental as an old photograph of a previous friend. This friend and I had ended our relationship on a particularly bad note. I decided to ask my boyfriend about it, to try to ascertain why I struggle so much with creating a lasting friendship. I wanted to know if it was just bad luck, or if it was just me.
His answer was succinct: “It’s you.”
Ouch. I had expected him to cheer me up and tell me that it wasn’t actually my fault, and that the people I’d attempted to befriend were the ones making this process impossible. As more tears began to cloud my vision, he continued his explanation. He told me that I was closed off and untrusting of anyone new, that I didn’t put myself out there, and I was much more mature than the typical college freshman. Not entirely sure on the last part as I baby-talk to every animal I see while walking. But the other things fit. I was untrusting, for a good reason too, I was hurt by so many people who I opened myself up to.
In high school, I had a large group of people who I called my friends. I never really felt like I fit with them, but nevertheless these were the people who I ate lunch with, who I had classes with, and who I shared intimate secrets with. All those relationships came to an end when my boyfriend and I became serious and he moved in. Something in me shifted and I saw how I didn’t fit into the existing puzzle that was my previous group of friends. I would much rather be with my boyfriend, who completely understands me and where I feel accepted. My high school friends didn’t provide this for me; in the end they felt that I was snubbing them for him, and this is a mortal sin in the world of friendship. You never ditch your friends for your significant other. I could never explain them to why I felt the way I did and I didn’t have the energy to explain. Other than this altercation, there were other reasons why I broke out of that group; it was a toxic atmosphere most of the time. During lunch there was always tension as someone always talked smack behind someone else’s back. I didn’t want to be a part of that. If there was anything that changed for the better in me from high school it was my inability to accept anyone who was fake, anyone who pretended to like me. I didn’t and still don’t have the time or tolerance for that.
Flash forward to college and after reading article after article about how your freshman roommate is supposed to end up your best friend; I was going in with high hopes. I believed I would successfully make some friends on such a large and diverse campus; however, I found that I didn’t fit in or didn’t like anyone I came across. My roommate seemed like a shining light in a dark tunnel, but by the end of the year there was an argument that wrecked everything. I was beginning to trust her and open up to her, which is a difficult thing for me since I was wounded in the past by parasitic relationships. We had planned to be roommates the next year but after the argument she switched suddenly and I was left standing alone once again.
And here I am.
It’s not that I am extremely lonely or particularly lonely but there is this hole I feel occasionally where I want someone to talk to who isn’t my boyfriend. Someone I can feel comfortable with, who doesn’t put up a facade. I realize I have my problems too and maybe this is my chance to work on myself before finding my best friend.
But until then, you’ll see me singing Beyonce in my car alone.
