It's one of those moments when I know that there's something I should have to say, but I'm not quite sure what it is or how to say it. I'm not even quite sure what I'm thinking; at the moment all I have is a head full of wandering thoughts. I know that they're there, and that they'll come around sometime so I just wait.
However, there's so much more to these restless days. They serve a purpose, but I know now that it's not mine. Sometimes I feel a calling, a calling to just sit in the grass and notice the way that it catches with the wind as it rises and falls. Sometimes the clouds will burst, and all that will remain is the crystal blue that can't just be seen but must be felt. In that moment, eyes must be closed and chins turned up to the heavens because, in that moment, it is impossible to not be aware that there is something so much bigger out there than any words I will ever speak or any miles that my weary legs will cover.
I want to love on a day like this. I want to believe on a day like this that underneath the clouded gloom of the angriest days, the sunshine will burn through. I want to live on a day like this and live for so much more than myself because on this day of perfect light and breathlessness, there is only one answer. I am here for a reason, and if I wasted a lifetime only living for myself, I would be wasted space. Even though that reason is unbeknownst to me, I'm perfectly okay that it.
As a human race, we so fear the future, but, with time we come to discover a wondrous thing that has helped to turn that fear and discomfort into an unbelievable dream that we can wake up for every day with excitement. There is an underlying hope within each new day that feeds on this idea of what is no longer fear, but curiosity. Once we let go of our fear of the unknown, we open ourselves to an infinite stream of possibilities.
I have faith. I am no longer confused when I say this (to a certain extent), and I will never be ashamed. The greatest thing about faith is that it doesn't even matter what religion you are, and it doesn't really even matter if you completely believe yet. What matters that is for as long as we are on this earth with air in our lungs, we have a purpose that is bigger than we are alone. With this purpose that God has given each of us, individually, uniquely, we are challenged to let go of our discomfort of trying to dictate the future. This is the source of our suffering, and with it, every day is a struggle and a drowning sea of anxiety that overtakes us with each swell. It leaves us gasping for air.
However, this life is a collaboration. I will never be the person to sit back and simply just watch as God works his wonders through me because, individually, we are nothing. We made our ways here for a reason, and if God did not want us here on this earth, we would not be here. So for as long that I know it is true, I will know in my heart every day that God needs me, too, and for my purpose to be fulfilled, I must lean on him and he must trust in me to use my abilities to live out a life that is purposeful and driven.
A friend touched me when she said the other day to "let yourself be strong enough to be weak enough" to let go and let your life be more than just for yourself. I challenge everyone to let go, to let be what is, to do whatever it takes to live the faith and seek out others who are struggling to do the same. If you are restless, use it. If you are empty, fill it. You are in control of your own faith, but He can help you take the rest from there.
