"I'm only one part of your life. And at least if you can't stop worrying, grasp the concept that you're life is a huge amazing thing and I'm only one part of it"
I was crying. Sobbing, on the other end of the line. I was caught up in the idea of falling in love to the point that in that moment I was convinced that this boy was my world. I tend to obsess over the idea of love. When someone allows me to explore that possibility of love with them I grab on to it, never wanting to let go. I become so scared of losing the person of interested that I cling on to them, becoming boarder line obsessive- letting my anxiety turn me into a person I'm not, resulting in the person of interest leaving me anyways.
Why wasn't he texting me?
Has he lost interest in me?
Am I doing something wrong?
Should I text him first?
Am I being annoying?
How long will it take before he finds someone better?
I could go on with the thoughts that run through my head for hours on end. I could tell you how these thoughts possess my mind but I know that these thoughts are often very common for many people. I know that I'm not alone when I admit to the world that I'm not good with the concept of love. When I'm in a relationship; it's not healthy. I often spend more of my time worrying with intense anxiety than actually being happy and present.
When he told me those wise words (the ones quoted at the very beginning) I was in for a reality check. Through my tears I knew he was right. I had to conquer the biggest challenge of all. I had to learn how to be happy without a love interest. I needed to really know how to be happy alone and appreciate the constant things in life by putting my emotions towards my friends and family (people who have been with me much longer) rather than a guy that Could quite possibly, soon be a mere memory.
Letting go of you're insecurities and letting life take its course is one of the hardest things to do. The easy route out of this situation would be to break up with your love interest; having control over the situation. But I'm not one to take the easy way out. I would be lying if I said that being independent was easy. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't questioning myself. I would be lying if I told you that there are never times where I feel like giving up; just breaking up with him- making things easier. But I wouldn't be lying if I told you that I'm so glad I stuck around and didn't give up. I know that I have a lot of developing and learning to do with myself. I have a lot of growing and I haven't yet found myself completely. My relationship with myself isn't healthy yet. My relationship with love interests aren't healthy yet either. But who says that the only way to find happiness in yourself is to be alone? Why can't I have a love interest in the picture while in the process of finding myself? I'm not taking the easy way out and giving up because then there is no challenge or measure of self growth. I'm staying with my boyfriend because by not giving in to my anxiety, and reassuring me every time I need reassurance, forces me into confidence. I'm not breaking up with my boyfriend because I need to learn that how to be content with myself while still having that person who challenges my anxiety and every once in a while intentionally back tracks my progress just for me to progress again within my journey.
I'm still terrified of what's to come and I'm still insecure within the fact that I'm not good enough. But I'm strong. I'm strong due to the simple aspects of my weaknesses and how I don't let them stop me from going forward. I'm in the process of finding myself without having to be alone.
